I figured out whats going on and what I am going to do.
Ive been researching and questioning human sources from tv stations, occult, and even religious but no one will answer me.
I make sure to present my information so that If they were in on something they would instantly recognize that I knew and that I just wanted a little guidance.
No one has replied to any of my emails. when I call they hangup. its ok because I was forced to interpret and learn everything myself, without any convoluted thoughts from some lost soul.
I know now that to succeed, my mentor can only be god. His glory has guided me so far and I will not lose faith.
But..
my spirits were being depleted and I was turning evil, blowing up at everything that stopped me from moving forward which put me back into a rut.
Im strong enough to carry the burden but once someone tries to provoke me I throw my anger and troubles on them to make my load less.
I must strive to to be strong enough to carry the burden and also relieve others of theirs so they may see the light.
im going to start another spiritual journey, the one that I didnt want to go on before.I was scared of using my salvia extract because I didnt want my mind to be swayed from the right path and I doubted god would protect me through the journey.(that I would lose emotional and control of my body as I did when I depressed.... Ive never done halucinagens)
I must become a shaman and learn to guide my spiritual presence and be free from worldly influence. I need to talk to the spirits.
Along I will learn astrology, astronomy, alchemy, and other gateways to spirituality.
I will read the bible first then move on and read as many holy books as I can for interpretation.
also I will try to learn hebrew, latin, chinese, and more japanese(so that I may be competant to all people, sorry I dont have enough time to learn every language.....)
I will learn the ins and outs of current science( I already know them but I want to have a complete understanding of how it works so much that I would be able to explain it to someone who has never been school)and keep myself updated with current events and how they relate to predictions of nostradamus and other astrologers.
I will not express anger, wrath, laziness, or glutoney, and will conduct my actions and thoughts with strict self discipline so that in the future I will be ready for everything.
I will balance my hard labor and writing, by establishing a new routine everyday while taking breaks and making time for my personal pleasure.
I will work on my relationships with people so that I can control my emotions in public and so that I may be seen in the my jugdement of someone striving for equallity, love and peace.
im trying to workout but there is just not enough time to get in the shape that I want, but I have stopped eating meat besides when im really hungry or need the strength, now Im eating all food types without adding harmful addatives. only eating in the morning and afternoon. Im taking vitamins and medicine for my mind, body, and spirit so that I may work at my full potential.
I sacrifice my personal life for the hope of freedom and well-being of the world around me. But there will not be sacrifice of life, no matter how big or small. everyone has the ability to help, it just needs to be nurtured.
this is my promise
I will succeed! there is no other option.
because these are only the first few steps to my destiny.
so it must be done
my back hurts...
so much work that when Im not learning im walking to the next task.
its ok because ive wanted a journey like this my whole life. I thought that I would have to wait until I was 50 so that I could work on exploring space. ( holy crap I love space!)
this is just so closely related in scale in mystery.. gosh...
Im so amazed at life.
its gonna great once people see what I have seen.
I feel truly blessed.
Thankyou god!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
stickam is up now on this journal
the webcam is up and will be going until I leave the house to spread the word.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
gaining focus
Ive been confused about how I would present this new Idea to people In a way so that It encompassed the idea as a whole and not just that its science.
now im fixing up the place and setting up my desk getting ready to get stuck in books for awhile until I can make a video presentation of the whole theory. after and while I progress through that im gonna make sure I have a routine again like I did before the discovery.
Im happy that the scientific american had a issue on naked sigularities, although it is cool it gave me dedication to express how my theory works because these scientist are looking at it way in a way that is too complex,
now im fixing up the place and setting up my desk getting ready to get stuck in books for awhile until I can make a video presentation of the whole theory. after and while I progress through that im gonna make sure I have a routine again like I did before the discovery.
Im happy that the scientific american had a issue on naked sigularities, although it is cool it gave me dedication to express how my theory works because these scientist are looking at it way in a way that is too complex,
Monday, February 16, 2009
thank you
I had almost wrapped myself up so much in "how it would be possible for me to outreach my message and help the world" that it became some kind of scientific mystery and I was lookin for lab partners to help me figure it out...
I lost what I was dedicating myself to. I had done so much to just get off the track now. I moped around the house feeling foolish that I let myself and the message down. how could I be so selfish.
I stopped doing everything and put all my junk down sat down in at my desk and closed my eyes.
I prayed for god to help guide me again, that I was sorry for being so selfish and that I will do what needs to be done and will put my material comforts of food and leisure down and make use of the time that I have. I asked for forgiveness and that I truly meant it. I threw the junk food that I had been craving for months to the dog after unwrapping the whole portion and placing it on a plate for him.......(a Baja Chalupa, burrito suppreme and the, spicy chicken enchaladas,) I looked at the cinnamon twist longing to eat one..... but did not and threw them out.
*what are you doing?.......have you no faith?....you have made mistakes but thats what makes people human.......dont get up to work on another project......( I tried but was unable to get to what I wanted to start on being so tired from the night).....sit down and dont worry about what to do..... ask yourself why you started......why did you sacrifice your selfish desires for a life of dedication?....... was it really to be accepted as someone who knows as much as he tells?......or to be known as someone who knew as much as he taught?........ its not your mission make people aware by the sake of it can be proven with rules therefore it must be real.......you are to help spread the will of hope so that others may become aware to what is around them, that they may be happy, and that they can accomplish whatever they want... that there is no admission fee to destiny...that all man are created equall... and are all able be as much as they believe they can be......because no one is created for evil.....but man has ways to see life in cold, dark, and wrath..... it makes them feel Just for sining against one another...because doubt has plauged their soul and swayyed their minds.......
I was warmed by the reassurence that It really was just another day. that even though I had lost my way for one sec because it seemed easier to just lay in bed and sleep all day. I tried to gain forgiveness though because I knew that something had changed in my way of thinking and being the person I wanted to be. I took the lesson and said to myself that rome wasnt built in a day and that a close examination of my main goal would help keep my head on track... because actually Ive been right on schedule In how my lessons were learned before when I reflected my past, and the future ahead of me as I moved onto re-genisis and in to my second cycle.
I learned,
Life is not about getting happiness, its about finding it... because in the end the destination never really mattered. What mattered was the Journey
because God doesnt present us with good or bad situations, but simple presents it self to us and it is up to yourself to interpret and then react acordingly to what you believe to be true to yourself and to your beliefs.
It comes down to how you wish to contribute because its our decision how we chose to live our lives and how we effect the people around us. that could mean the difference of living as a positive influence making the lives better for everyone around them..
...or live on in the souls of people spreading misery and sadness to those around them.
I watched a movie the other day called Black & white. between the begining and middle of the movie they say something really amazing and important because I had been trying to find a way that I could show people that we are united and think alike and on that morning It was on and I took a chance on because I was already really busy searching for questions and answers but they say exactly what I needed to hear.
"Life is just fucking crazy, you could be living ain heaven and still be living in hell.
I be thinking, can you change who you are?
do you love the other more than you love yourself?
do you wish you were another way? If your black can you bleach? if your white can you dye?
Can you be ghetto without actually living in the ghetto?
Do you look in the mirror and see your face or do you close your eyes and dream?
what do you want?
Can you look within and embrace your soul or not? Can you change who you are?
You can look at me as long as you want but I'll always be me and you'll always be you."
When you begin to question yourself what you really want... not you but what you you really wants. what you find is profound and beautiful and you realize the scale of how life works and the true power that love is.
I have supplies now to document to full extent my progress through gaining knowledge before I head on the path to help our home.
I lost what I was dedicating myself to. I had done so much to just get off the track now. I moped around the house feeling foolish that I let myself and the message down. how could I be so selfish.
I stopped doing everything and put all my junk down sat down in at my desk and closed my eyes.
I prayed for god to help guide me again, that I was sorry for being so selfish and that I will do what needs to be done and will put my material comforts of food and leisure down and make use of the time that I have. I asked for forgiveness and that I truly meant it. I threw the junk food that I had been craving for months to the dog after unwrapping the whole portion and placing it on a plate for him.......(a Baja Chalupa, burrito suppreme and the, spicy chicken enchaladas,) I looked at the cinnamon twist longing to eat one..... but did not and threw them out.
*what are you doing?.......have you no faith?....you have made mistakes but thats what makes people human.......dont get up to work on another project......( I tried but was unable to get to what I wanted to start on being so tired from the night).....sit down and dont worry about what to do..... ask yourself why you started......why did you sacrifice your selfish desires for a life of dedication?....... was it really to be accepted as someone who knows as much as he tells?......or to be known as someone who knew as much as he taught?........ its not your mission make people aware by the sake of it can be proven with rules therefore it must be real.......you are to help spread the will of hope so that others may become aware to what is around them, that they may be happy, and that they can accomplish whatever they want... that there is no admission fee to destiny...that all man are created equall... and are all able be as much as they believe they can be......because no one is created for evil.....but man has ways to see life in cold, dark, and wrath..... it makes them feel Just for sining against one another...because doubt has plauged their soul and swayyed their minds.......
I was warmed by the reassurence that It really was just another day. that even though I had lost my way for one sec because it seemed easier to just lay in bed and sleep all day. I tried to gain forgiveness though because I knew that something had changed in my way of thinking and being the person I wanted to be. I took the lesson and said to myself that rome wasnt built in a day and that a close examination of my main goal would help keep my head on track... because actually Ive been right on schedule In how my lessons were learned before when I reflected my past, and the future ahead of me as I moved onto re-genisis and in to my second cycle.
I learned,
Life is not about getting happiness, its about finding it... because in the end the destination never really mattered. What mattered was the Journey
because God doesnt present us with good or bad situations, but simple presents it self to us and it is up to yourself to interpret and then react acordingly to what you believe to be true to yourself and to your beliefs.
It comes down to how you wish to contribute because its our decision how we chose to live our lives and how we effect the people around us. that could mean the difference of living as a positive influence making the lives better for everyone around them..
...or live on in the souls of people spreading misery and sadness to those around them.
I watched a movie the other day called Black & white. between the begining and middle of the movie they say something really amazing and important because I had been trying to find a way that I could show people that we are united and think alike and on that morning It was on and I took a chance on because I was already really busy searching for questions and answers but they say exactly what I needed to hear.
"Life is just fucking crazy, you could be living ain heaven and still be living in hell.
I be thinking, can you change who you are?
do you love the other more than you love yourself?
do you wish you were another way? If your black can you bleach? if your white can you dye?
Can you be ghetto without actually living in the ghetto?
Do you look in the mirror and see your face or do you close your eyes and dream?
what do you want?
Can you look within and embrace your soul or not? Can you change who you are?
You can look at me as long as you want but I'll always be me and you'll always be you."
When you begin to question yourself what you really want... not you but what you you really wants. what you find is profound and beautiful and you realize the scale of how life works and the true power that love is.
I have supplies now to document to full extent my progress through gaining knowledge before I head on the path to help our home.
this is harder than I thought
I dont know what to do right now... I wish I had someone to talk to that would listen. I have so much to say......Im gonna contact a few agencies to see if they can help stir me in the right direction.
I am sad today but should be better after I get back on track.
I am sad today but should be better after I get back on track.
hey I know you
well Ive taken my journals I wrote in the past day because someone is gonna blabber when they read the journals, or so my trusted source tells me... and so far it has not been wrong in the least way.
So.
Hi....
leave a comment.
I was told that someone related to today
was going to blab out about my research.
but I need help. Ive been figuring stuff out.
can you help me out by assistance or will you hinder me with closed minds.
its worth a shot.
I need a mentor.
well it happened. It sucks. I tried so hard to stop it from happening here that I was too short tempered with my mom who at the moment is the only way I can get around because I cant get a license. well she was just being a complete bitch but she sees my passion for this as being selfish because she cant spend everyday with her boys cause I need food and pens and other stuff.
I am sad but It was about time to end the relation with my mother.
now I myself must push past my safety zone and ask for people to pick me up and drive me around.
If I didnt have this mission I would have nothing but sad memories of the ones I loved.
but today is a new day! I must push to be heard! on the will of my own, with my mindset focused on helping others such as my mom who cant help them selfs be better people.
I will now post most of all my old journals
So.
Hi....
leave a comment.
I was told that someone related to today
was going to blab out about my research.
but I need help. Ive been figuring stuff out.
can you help me out by assistance or will you hinder me with closed minds.
its worth a shot.
I need a mentor.
well it happened. It sucks. I tried so hard to stop it from happening here that I was too short tempered with my mom who at the moment is the only way I can get around because I cant get a license. well she was just being a complete bitch but she sees my passion for this as being selfish because she cant spend everyday with her boys cause I need food and pens and other stuff.
I am sad but It was about time to end the relation with my mother.
now I myself must push past my safety zone and ask for people to pick me up and drive me around.
If I didnt have this mission I would have nothing but sad memories of the ones I loved.
but today is a new day! I must push to be heard! on the will of my own, with my mindset focused on helping others such as my mom who cant help them selfs be better people.
I will now post most of all my old journals
will upload camera with stuff going on
I have the past few weeks on recorder and video camera luckily so that I could track my progress because I knew my writing would take as long to read as it would to start over from the begining......
is anyone else seeing signs of what is going on?!
Im baffled... everything this year has been so ironic and it just seems so simple to put together all the pieces. I mean every channel I turn to between researching whats going, gives me help and input on my questions because every channel I turn to is able to further me along to new ideas and inspiration. The theme of subjects promoted on tv, even the news is a clear reflection of what the current astrological signs have predicted... Ive found the question but now Im looking for the answer, should I tell the question to men that cannot hear since they cannot comprehend lifes score?! But I have been told that I must tell it to man but how can I? if I can only pose with questions and not of answers?! for man is blind to what is infront of so how should I overcome......I dont want to intrude on some master plan and promote only one half of the whole truth and lead to misinterpretations. gosh its really a huge dilema and its almost gotten me back into a cycle again so ive been trying to work harder and putting everything behind me as I did during the week. what do I do? Im empowered by my ability to decifer the truth by my intuitivity, will and knowledge but if this is something known but left for interpretation from people who already know, what then? My birth times indicate exactly whats going on right now with me if you know your astrology, and if you look at my birth times you can see my dilema.Ive been working very hard to * crack the universal code in a way people can comprehend but it leads to implications that I dont like at all. at a block, not a mental block.but of me unable to to find the a medium betweet the parabols ......................what do I do. Ive put my past behind me and am looking ahead but im just at ends of what to do or say because I must do something If I am going to change any of this..
Sunday, February 15, 2009
wow I really just typed from 2:30 till now
so im impressed that I got so caught up in depressing thoughts that I was able to type out this many words. when I took my blog that I published and the other that I decided not to and copied them to microsoft word the came out to 5,000 words!! 5,000 words is the best ive done in a single sitting. 20,750 letters in 8 hours 30 mins .. that should keep my head on track to start up this web cam service im wanting to do to help further my scientific progress and so that others may interpret my data for themselfs. I have figured out the universal rule for everything. that applies for everything in existance... even separate dimensions as it shows how they are real and that it is possible to travel in time because its the same exact thing as space travel because you change the wavelength and frequency of your atoms to make them able to opperate on another wavelength which is how separate dimensions work. also it could be explained with that theory that black holes and supernovas are predetermined to be either when they are first concieved. and that they lead to separate dimensions and that their wavelength is alot lower than ours and thats why they emit no light but radiation that their dimension would use as if it were light and not radiation rays. the spaggettification proccess works because your nuetrons are going up and down through the different wavelengths and acts as a medium thats why when you look at their movement under a electron microscope they apear and reapear in a slightly different area each time because of the interfereance from the other dimesions (think of when you switch stations and you get the interference of the two).
I dont know if I should put down the whole complete theory and evidence to how it applys..... well once I find more to trust....
so a black hole would cause so much interference that the event horizon would be the place where nuetrons are unable to opperate on higher frequencys because...........(scared to inform imature people completely).................so the interference would..........(insert more to cool theory)............stop your nuetrons from being able to work in all plains of existance and waves can only go so high they must go down and therefore cant get out of a black.... thats why matter would appear to be spaggetti as you were thrust into a black hole because..........................the slower................................(insert more theory)............ the end of a black whole I have though of but will continue that later because im tired and I wanna sleep.... and im hungery. I fasted today.... discipline!!!!!!!
I went through and correct some stuff cause I was told from a trusted source someone would blab out the information and I dont want this to be blabbed as the whole complete theory( its been writen in 12 notebooks but all mixed up and im lazy and dont want to work on completing them without having my webcams on for others to watch and look on their own.
I dont know if I should put down the whole complete theory and evidence to how it applys..... well once I find more to trust....
so a black hole would cause so much interference that the event horizon would be the place where nuetrons are unable to opperate on higher frequencys because...........(scared to inform imature people completely).................so the interference would..........(insert more to cool theory)............stop your nuetrons from being able to work in all plains of existance and waves can only go so high they must go down and therefore cant get out of a black.... thats why matter would appear to be spaggetti as you were thrust into a black hole because..........................the slower................................(insert more theory)............ the end of a black whole I have though of but will continue that later because im tired and I wanna sleep.... and im hungery. I fasted today.... discipline!!!!!!!
I went through and correct some stuff cause I was told from a trusted source someone would blab out the information and I dont want this to be blabbed as the whole complete theory( its been writen in 12 notebooks but all mixed up and im lazy and dont want to work on completing them without having my webcams on for others to watch and look on their own.
my depression and discovery of close death...
from the last journal here is what can be said.
through the state of mind I was in where Everyone was my best friend but also my worst enemy I learned to never hate because people dont act the way they do because they choose. No, they learn from the world presented To them, so I couldnt blame anyone for my self hate. I took it inside of me and hated myself. I was stuck in deep though constantly, so much that it became hard to talk properly without getting too nervous from analyzing their actions and emotions to see if I was conveying myself properly. I thought so much of other people lives that I constantly lived in a fantisy world thinking in my head of what other people thought and how they expressed their emotions. what they felt as they walked down the street in a their stride that they do. did they do it because of previous peerpresure? Its weird but now when I meet people Im able to know exactly what their motives are to all their actions and how they will react to different situations. not psychic . just extremely intuitive all the time.
well in highschool I had almost gotten past my emotions and accepted who I was. I even had a awesome friend from 6th grade and we were still homies you know!
( I miss you Justin, Im sorry that I completly abondoned you and our friendship, you were the best friend Ive had and I feel blessed to have know a genuinely and good person cause before I hadnt found any. I left only because I didnt want the kids at school to make fun of you when the time was right and I came out to everyone at school cause you dont deserve that shit. =( if it wasnt for people like you I wouldnt be trying to do this.)
was finally able to work and not just read up on my dream job. I used to buy books on calculus, flying, flightmanuels, I used to even spend the evenings talking to real pilots and asking them how they got to where they were and would try to work my way through since grade 7. ( I wanted to be a fighter pilot for the navy... navy has the Best Pilots in the world, and also go to annopolis for prior schooling) but my dad wanted to move so we did. right in the middle of a town outside of austin called Buda. it was ok until christmas break, then I met a few genuine people that I would have liked to still be friends with but I tried not to get attached because I was moving out of town when i graduated so that No one would reconize me. these kids I met were the drugy crowd and I was happily accepted into their group because as much as they loved pot, I loved it more because it was a new way to disguise my unhappiness. and I stole thousands from my dad to pay from my habit. Nothing was ever enough for me. I was digging a hole deeper to hell you could say... and I did.
I stopped going to school and stayed home smoking pot all day. unhealthy amounts. quarter-pound?! NP!!!!!! just gimme the weeked and my two boys and we would have it down by sunday noon! I thought that I needed to get pills for my sleeping ,mood, and since I was a kid ghost have been haunting me and I wanted to see if it was because of some mental dissorder.....* it wasnt as i figured it out later in life.......( I didnt like taking pills to get fucked up because I felt like they would kill me.) but all that did was give my body an excuse to slack off and become highly unstable as I tried every sleeping pill and drug to make my sleeping better so i could think during the day. by the time winter break came next year I still wasnt In school.
Then my instablility went into meltdown mode and even though I had a great night because my dad had taken me to the alamo draft house ( awesome movie theator that was by my old house, they served cooked food/beer/desert during the movie cause you would have rows of tables for every seat row) anyways I had swiped money for some pot and we got into a huge fight and soon either he hit me or I threw something then we started fighting , dont remember exactly how it happend but i ended up with my back stuck in the wall with a broken toe and pinky ( OH the other past days I had gotten tired with one of my friends shit because he was on too many BARS-anti anxiety pills-GGs and I was feeling them also but he wouldnt get out of my house so I kicked his ass and broke my nuckle on his face. nothing bad just a ass kickin to make him show respect for my house.he was smaller than me ...BUT HE TALKED SO MUCH SHIT!!! older also.. anyways) well after breaking as much shit as I wanted to or dared to I left as my dad called the police and i smashed my huge Bong all over living room. * I never said I was perfect! =( I felt bad when I did it and I still do because im living with the consciquences.*
with the police comming I left the house and went to my homies house.
I ended up running fullstride into a barbwire fence behind his place because it was about 3 am but i had too much addrenalin in me to notice the multiple number of holes in my legs arms chest thigh and hands. but I turned around Cause how I was acting just wasnt who I was and I opened the fence door to walk back the po-po rolled up I freaked and almost ran off but walked up to them and co operated.
I didnt notice my serverely broken pinky, big toe and knucles which when healed never worked properly again.
that was my second horrible birthday. other was around 10 not going into that because I can barely remember my life ages 9-12 besides being so sad and hurt that I locked it all away.
I called my mom and from the next day spent march 16- late july (another verbal fight with mom not my fault this time because she said really fucked up things and i ignored her but she wouldnt let me). rehabilitating myself and dedicating my free time to being the best on my new Game World of warcraft.
I still was going to a doctor that was a quack! as he perscribed to me EVERY different kind of sleep pill, anti anxiety pills, energy pills. he just fucked my whole system over anyways after he had made a couple thousand dollars charging use 300 with insurence to see him each session and I went to him for medical assistance for a couple months. he was also supposed to help with my vision problems since I was able to see red and white bloodcells moving in my eyes and other interferences such as floaters and other shapes that would be visible depending how my mood was but always when I looked at the blue sky or anypart of the sky.he was also looking for the reason why I would have a tremmor in my arm when I sneezed. after he sent us to a heartspecialist because he thought that the abnormal heartbeat from before was reacurring and that I should get my heart rate examined.
After getting a bunch of sticky pads put all over me and connected with wires they confirmed that something war wrong..... so they did another test that hooked up about 16 diodes to my head which was awesome cause I had long hair.( a little shorter than now) and took only an hour to put on and 2 to test....
they told me bad new and wanted to do a MRI on my brain. So then I was off to a brain hospitol
this place was fucking scary. It was like when you see crazy hospitols in cheesy movies and they are filled with the most fucked up poop-flinging animal-talking kinds of crazy people that believe they are pirates or from the moon whatever... just to exhagerated the fact that its a crazy hospitol.
I walk in and this guy is missing HALF his head. this other guy has large roung hole that this guy was picking at. everyone is just looking super crazy and fucked up. its was a fun day waiting room, and listening to the conversations going on were nice too. uncle of getting shot, cancer, epalepsy....awesome. then I had to strip down and they shot me full of the visable solution for my head, and I layed down onto the table and was put into the machine. I dont know if you have ever seen or heard the actually noise from these machines but they are loud and very freakin scarey! Cause my heads hurting from the liquid and I can feel the waves on my brain almost as if my brain felt firm and empty when before I had a feeling of confort and sensation. so this huge machine was zapping waves into my brain and all I can think of is this image of freddy krueger scraping his knives on the chalkbored making that kids head blow up haha. I dont like needles or small spaces at all so I was pretty peachy, until they had to do it again because they said I moved to much..... but when I came out and they had the results they said I had a cyst In my brain that controlled movement and speech, but was in a complicated place because it was at the epelipsy part of the brain also...
...... I didnt eat at all for the first month and ate 3 eggs the next month, then I smoked again and found amazing bags of fully cooked hotwings. I..gained my strength haha ....I was doing the cold turkey thing,and it was hard..... shit I wouldnt have eaten at all and would have starved myself If hotwings didnt exist isnt that pathetic. save by hotwings...geeze. and went from around 225-238lbs to 145 lbs -155lbs the whole time I was haunted by ghost(of my past?),vision,doors opening and closing, footsteps going up and down stairs, and voices that I couldnt understand but knew were talking and went through a very scary state of life in which no one could help me. I was forced to help myself and investigate how the brain works and how the interaction between medicines may have effected me but nothing came up sadly.
Thats what I was depressed about because after further investigation of what was going on to me I found that I was dying and after a month I had confromation as I lost my perfect eyesight *and my dream of flying or going into space* and who I was in the deep misery of slowly dying..I had figured that since it was on my motor coordination part of the brain that If it were to grow around that point I was going to die paralyzed and crazy... I lost so much weight. I lost my will to live. everything that I wanted in my life was going to be taken away from me by the time I was 30. Then I had the fight with my mom and she sent me to my dads new place.
( I went to see my friends back at Buda a month earlier and alot had changed but still kept their old ways. people were in jail now for doing beer runs and other criminal shit..same old shit and I didnt get back into besides smoking which has let me stop taking all the pills i used to take, and now have quite smoking basically unless I get a road block in my thinking as I like to write, draw, make things, and music now for fun along with researching this new project that I want to work on.)
I had rehabilitated myself /ok/ and was doing chores at my moms before she gave me the boot.
now I was at this new house. now I rehabilitated my self more, working on the house, gardning, getting chickens and shit trying to be selfsufficient and I was doing great for awhile. the two years in this place have been spent reflecting on all of my experiance and searching for a new reason to live. because In here as I thought the first month that I was doing ok. I had a stroke. and lost sensation to all my lower half besides a numbing painful sensation. I thought it was just a physical manifestation of my stress and depression which it was but since then my movement was just changed along with my cognative ability. I could feel my life leaving me. everyday was a horrible nightmare that I couldnt change.(this is just the overview of the situation. only about 1/10th the full appreciation for what was happening because I like seeing all this bs I pushed myself through to get here because I feel so empowered now If I was able to stop all this myself. that through all the sadness and the anti depressants and moody bs going on with me I was able to fix my depression and my problems by myself and repair the damages done by myself,the pills, and other people.)
im dont really wanna go on with this because im getting bored talking about sad stuff and because I want to move forward not back..but the point is I learned to question within myself what I really wanted and expected of myself and how I would achieve that and what I wanted from my life.( long or short.) and I put all my fears behind me and embraced life and myself without fear of anything. my depression was over and I found the meaning of life.
really to understand the meaning of life you would have had to go rock bottom and work yourway up all by yourself.
I dont want to post these .... embarassing especially this one talking about the shit I see. ITS not my choice and Ive always see these things since I was a baby. I used ask my parents if they could see germs because thats what I thought they were.
Alas now that I have pulled through the loss of function besides me being ADD but hey ive even been able to control the stuff I see and Stopped my loss of vission and blurrouts so hey ADD doesnt seem that bad
through the state of mind I was in where Everyone was my best friend but also my worst enemy I learned to never hate because people dont act the way they do because they choose. No, they learn from the world presented To them, so I couldnt blame anyone for my self hate. I took it inside of me and hated myself. I was stuck in deep though constantly, so much that it became hard to talk properly without getting too nervous from analyzing their actions and emotions to see if I was conveying myself properly. I thought so much of other people lives that I constantly lived in a fantisy world thinking in my head of what other people thought and how they expressed their emotions. what they felt as they walked down the street in a their stride that they do. did they do it because of previous peerpresure? Its weird but now when I meet people Im able to know exactly what their motives are to all their actions and how they will react to different situations. not psychic . just extremely intuitive all the time.
well in highschool I had almost gotten past my emotions and accepted who I was. I even had a awesome friend from 6th grade and we were still homies you know!
( I miss you Justin, Im sorry that I completly abondoned you and our friendship, you were the best friend Ive had and I feel blessed to have know a genuinely and good person cause before I hadnt found any. I left only because I didnt want the kids at school to make fun of you when the time was right and I came out to everyone at school cause you dont deserve that shit. =( if it wasnt for people like you I wouldnt be trying to do this.)
was finally able to work and not just read up on my dream job. I used to buy books on calculus, flying, flightmanuels, I used to even spend the evenings talking to real pilots and asking them how they got to where they were and would try to work my way through since grade 7. ( I wanted to be a fighter pilot for the navy... navy has the Best Pilots in the world, and also go to annopolis for prior schooling) but my dad wanted to move so we did. right in the middle of a town outside of austin called Buda. it was ok until christmas break, then I met a few genuine people that I would have liked to still be friends with but I tried not to get attached because I was moving out of town when i graduated so that No one would reconize me. these kids I met were the drugy crowd and I was happily accepted into their group because as much as they loved pot, I loved it more because it was a new way to disguise my unhappiness. and I stole thousands from my dad to pay from my habit. Nothing was ever enough for me. I was digging a hole deeper to hell you could say... and I did.
I stopped going to school and stayed home smoking pot all day. unhealthy amounts. quarter-pound?! NP!!!!!! just gimme the weeked and my two boys and we would have it down by sunday noon! I thought that I needed to get pills for my sleeping ,mood, and since I was a kid ghost have been haunting me and I wanted to see if it was because of some mental dissorder.....* it wasnt as i figured it out later in life.......( I didnt like taking pills to get fucked up because I felt like they would kill me.) but all that did was give my body an excuse to slack off and become highly unstable as I tried every sleeping pill and drug to make my sleeping better so i could think during the day. by the time winter break came next year I still wasnt In school.
Then my instablility went into meltdown mode and even though I had a great night because my dad had taken me to the alamo draft house ( awesome movie theator that was by my old house, they served cooked food/beer/desert during the movie cause you would have rows of tables for every seat row) anyways I had swiped money for some pot and we got into a huge fight and soon either he hit me or I threw something then we started fighting , dont remember exactly how it happend but i ended up with my back stuck in the wall with a broken toe and pinky ( OH the other past days I had gotten tired with one of my friends shit because he was on too many BARS-anti anxiety pills-GGs and I was feeling them also but he wouldnt get out of my house so I kicked his ass and broke my nuckle on his face. nothing bad just a ass kickin to make him show respect for my house.he was smaller than me ...BUT HE TALKED SO MUCH SHIT!!! older also.. anyways) well after breaking as much shit as I wanted to or dared to I left as my dad called the police and i smashed my huge Bong all over living room. * I never said I was perfect! =( I felt bad when I did it and I still do because im living with the consciquences.*
with the police comming I left the house and went to my homies house.
I ended up running fullstride into a barbwire fence behind his place because it was about 3 am but i had too much addrenalin in me to notice the multiple number of holes in my legs arms chest thigh and hands. but I turned around Cause how I was acting just wasnt who I was and I opened the fence door to walk back the po-po rolled up I freaked and almost ran off but walked up to them and co operated.
I didnt notice my serverely broken pinky, big toe and knucles which when healed never worked properly again.
that was my second horrible birthday. other was around 10 not going into that because I can barely remember my life ages 9-12 besides being so sad and hurt that I locked it all away.
I called my mom and from the next day spent march 16- late july (another verbal fight with mom not my fault this time because she said really fucked up things and i ignored her but she wouldnt let me). rehabilitating myself and dedicating my free time to being the best on my new Game World of warcraft.
I still was going to a doctor that was a quack! as he perscribed to me EVERY different kind of sleep pill, anti anxiety pills, energy pills. he just fucked my whole system over anyways after he had made a couple thousand dollars charging use 300 with insurence to see him each session and I went to him for medical assistance for a couple months. he was also supposed to help with my vision problems since I was able to see red and white bloodcells moving in my eyes and other interferences such as floaters and other shapes that would be visible depending how my mood was but always when I looked at the blue sky or anypart of the sky.he was also looking for the reason why I would have a tremmor in my arm when I sneezed. after he sent us to a heartspecialist because he thought that the abnormal heartbeat from before was reacurring and that I should get my heart rate examined.
After getting a bunch of sticky pads put all over me and connected with wires they confirmed that something war wrong..... so they did another test that hooked up about 16 diodes to my head which was awesome cause I had long hair.( a little shorter than now) and took only an hour to put on and 2 to test....
they told me bad new and wanted to do a MRI on my brain. So then I was off to a brain hospitol
this place was fucking scary. It was like when you see crazy hospitols in cheesy movies and they are filled with the most fucked up poop-flinging animal-talking kinds of crazy people that believe they are pirates or from the moon whatever... just to exhagerated the fact that its a crazy hospitol.
I walk in and this guy is missing HALF his head. this other guy has large roung hole that this guy was picking at. everyone is just looking super crazy and fucked up. its was a fun day waiting room, and listening to the conversations going on were nice too. uncle of getting shot, cancer, epalepsy....awesome. then I had to strip down and they shot me full of the visable solution for my head, and I layed down onto the table and was put into the machine. I dont know if you have ever seen or heard the actually noise from these machines but they are loud and very freakin scarey! Cause my heads hurting from the liquid and I can feel the waves on my brain almost as if my brain felt firm and empty when before I had a feeling of confort and sensation. so this huge machine was zapping waves into my brain and all I can think of is this image of freddy krueger scraping his knives on the chalkbored making that kids head blow up haha. I dont like needles or small spaces at all so I was pretty peachy, until they had to do it again because they said I moved to much..... but when I came out and they had the results they said I had a cyst In my brain that controlled movement and speech, but was in a complicated place because it was at the epelipsy part of the brain also...
...... I didnt eat at all for the first month and ate 3 eggs the next month, then I smoked again and found amazing bags of fully cooked hotwings. I..gained my strength haha ....I was doing the cold turkey thing,and it was hard..... shit I wouldnt have eaten at all and would have starved myself If hotwings didnt exist isnt that pathetic. save by hotwings...geeze. and went from around 225-238lbs to 145 lbs -155lbs the whole time I was haunted by ghost(of my past?),vision,doors opening and closing, footsteps going up and down stairs, and voices that I couldnt understand but knew were talking and went through a very scary state of life in which no one could help me. I was forced to help myself and investigate how the brain works and how the interaction between medicines may have effected me but nothing came up sadly.
Thats what I was depressed about because after further investigation of what was going on to me I found that I was dying and after a month I had confromation as I lost my perfect eyesight *and my dream of flying or going into space* and who I was in the deep misery of slowly dying..I had figured that since it was on my motor coordination part of the brain that If it were to grow around that point I was going to die paralyzed and crazy... I lost so much weight. I lost my will to live. everything that I wanted in my life was going to be taken away from me by the time I was 30. Then I had the fight with my mom and she sent me to my dads new place.
( I went to see my friends back at Buda a month earlier and alot had changed but still kept their old ways. people were in jail now for doing beer runs and other criminal shit..same old shit and I didnt get back into besides smoking which has let me stop taking all the pills i used to take, and now have quite smoking basically unless I get a road block in my thinking as I like to write, draw, make things, and music now for fun along with researching this new project that I want to work on.)
I had rehabilitated myself /ok/ and was doing chores at my moms before she gave me the boot.
now I was at this new house. now I rehabilitated my self more, working on the house, gardning, getting chickens and shit trying to be selfsufficient and I was doing great for awhile. the two years in this place have been spent reflecting on all of my experiance and searching for a new reason to live. because In here as I thought the first month that I was doing ok. I had a stroke. and lost sensation to all my lower half besides a numbing painful sensation. I thought it was just a physical manifestation of my stress and depression which it was but since then my movement was just changed along with my cognative ability. I could feel my life leaving me. everyday was a horrible nightmare that I couldnt change.(this is just the overview of the situation. only about 1/10th the full appreciation for what was happening because I like seeing all this bs I pushed myself through to get here because I feel so empowered now If I was able to stop all this myself. that through all the sadness and the anti depressants and moody bs going on with me I was able to fix my depression and my problems by myself and repair the damages done by myself,the pills, and other people.)
im dont really wanna go on with this because im getting bored talking about sad stuff and because I want to move forward not back..but the point is I learned to question within myself what I really wanted and expected of myself and how I would achieve that and what I wanted from my life.( long or short.) and I put all my fears behind me and embraced life and myself without fear of anything. my depression was over and I found the meaning of life.
really to understand the meaning of life you would have had to go rock bottom and work yourway up all by yourself.
I dont want to post these .... embarassing especially this one talking about the shit I see. ITS not my choice and Ive always see these things since I was a baby. I used ask my parents if they could see germs because thats what I thought they were.
Alas now that I have pulled through the loss of function besides me being ADD but hey ive even been able to control the stuff I see and Stopped my loss of vission and blurrouts so hey ADD doesnt seem that bad
steady....unafraid.. ( andrews history )
its the same day as last post just 1 min later.
this is not easy stuff to talk about but if I am to change this world I must show my dedication to honesty and use my life to inspire others to not be like me but to use my pain to become better people and to stop the inequality that is now ever-present through todays current events.
Ive been getting distracted today, my willpower was faultering for a little but i regained focus and started the blog.
last week was life changing for me because while I was just enjoying my life even though I had been in deep depression and nothing has changed except my attitude, and knowing that I had wasted day of my life....shit im trying to think of how to just type out whats going on without starting over but I think I need to do a quick overview of whats affected me.
Shit.... I dont even know where to start from here.
my name is Andrew Skelton
my birthday is march 15th 1992
so im 16 now (III Pisces)-----------astrology is amazing
I was born in Canada at Kelowna.
and my parents were around 27 more or less when I was born. Dad was raised in Canada (white), and my Mom grew up at the Brox, hell kitchen, dirty areas in new york(Puerto Rican). Up until I was 6 years old I had a great childhood and I can remember most of it, but when I turned 7 everything had changed so much( divorce at 5 and switching to live with the other every weekend did things to me along with the hardship that formed and when I became independant), yet I still stayed the same trust loving kid but that changed when my mom met steve and got married. he should have been able to provide a good stable life for us, but really he did the opposite as he provided a party for a couple months then for 5 years he was able to destroy almost every good quality in me.(Along with being held by the throat, thrown to a tree and choked after another bunch of family drama) that was fun. he even had a son 2 years older than me that I could hangout with cause ive always wanted a bro(good thing he was the most selfish, inhuman, disgusting, nerd I have even had the disspleasure of calling family)..I dont hate them its just how they act.. that doesnt mean he didnt teach me anything.
he would tell me " a smart person will make a mistake and learn from the situation to avoid it.
A dumb person will make a mistake and learn nothing from it. but a Wise man learns from the mistakes of others."
very solid advice! yet with his head so far up his ass and the view of his feet so appealing his shit must have smelled very nicely to him. too bad he decided to shit all over his taxes cause he got locked up 4 years in federal prison because he didnt pay a half million in taxes...gosh.
my Mom had 2 boys with him, steven and devin. I love them but cant stand how much it reminds me of phillip when im around steven. deven has changed so much since he was a baby because even though he is still in the family he comes from a relative in the brox and lived in such a harsh enviroment (his parents sold drugs with him on their back and they lived on the street. he didnt have a clean diaper for 6 weeks until my mom came over and brought him back. steven and devin are both 8 and have very close birthdays around novenmber-december.
and now that they have established their personalitys devin is completely afraid of Everything, and doubts he can achieve anything and talks about stuff that just happend with you as if you were not present and didnt see what happend so that he can interact with people ( I used to do that and it does horrible things to your self esteem when no one wants to talk to you cause you have nothing new to say but you think you do and dont know why everyone wont talk to you)
steven is very shy and has taken up leadership since devin wont have part in finishing what he starts. and now if he isnt the smartest, or doing it first or just doing what he wants, he gets angry at devin and makes fun of him to put him down a level than himself. its sad because they are only like that because they dont have a stable father only their mother.
her problems are more self-destructive then theirs because its so deep in her nature that even if she thinks she has changed how she acts toward people you know, she comes out being even alot colder because she tries to trust and not follow her rules-- which are--- independence, control, knowing/telling everything, and trust only to self. which have kept her alive in the bronx. and I dont blame her as she has had some FUCKED up shit go on for her. she was kicked out of the house where her parents would attack and hit her just to make sure she didnt make a mistake.
so I know why she is like that but once she trys to trust someone she worrys because " she worrys so much because she knows if she feels good for one second that her kids will be attacked by something and she cant live with that.
when she was a kid she would try to protect her bros cause she was older than all of them. she was real skinny and would love to run and all the kids would call her olive oyl because she was as skinny as the girl on popey. she is also haunted by the death of her sister because she blames herself for her death when she was in her teens
Her sister and her would smoke pot everyonce in awhile because my mom loved her sis but not pot so much ,and one time her sister fell asleep with a joint in her hand and it fell making the sofa smoke. my mom woke her up all paniced telling her to bemore careful and what would have happend if she wasnt there and her sis would tell here " psh but you is here sis , it aint no thang but a chicken wang" my mom hated when she did that.
So one day she was getting her sis a bit of dope cause they were out besides a joint. my mom when to go get some but when she did they they were smokin and when she gets high she gets really sleepy and just knocks out. well In 1 hour she was up and heading back and as she got closer to the place she heard sirens whailing down the street to where she was going ( she prayed and said to herself damnit you dont you smoke that joint and start the couch on fire!) when she got to the place it was ablaze the only thing not on fire were the metal bars covering the windows and door(to keep robers from breaking in) her sister died trying to get out of the house cause the front door didnt work properly.
this situation and many *sadly* like it shaped her thinking of the world around her. cause if she tries to have fun and isnt responsible over what happens to those around her, someone she loves dies a horrible ironic death. so no matter how she appears to other people as long as she is responsible its better than giving the chance for something wrong to happen.
she is such a huge inspiration to me for her strength because Ive always know that she was not angry because she is mean .but because she loves people so much that how people look at her doesnt matter as much as her protecting those around her.
that unconditional love changed my attitude on life because she had protected me from all these things but if I tried to speak up (with or against her)and protect myself she would verbaly attack me putting me down and showing me that I was incappable of anything.
that I was nothing.
I lived in a rich area with rich kids who are cruel to those who dont have everything as they mascarade their weath, family happiness ,material goods, vacations, that I wasnt able to have and in rich land economic (having everything) status was all that mattered to them. I wasnt one of the unpopular kids and I would try to follow the cool guy thing for awhile attacking and abusing other people around me. but I stopped that once I saw what it was doing to their feelings and mine because I was making fun of the kids that used to be like me.
also along side this I had been sexually confused big time because my way of feeling special was playing around and eventually having sex with guys my age. ( at 6 one of my older friends who was a boy played around with me. what he did is something unfair to do to someone, because no matter how many friends I had or who liked me I was completely and utterly alone in everyway.)
people dont know how horrible and what a truely horrific experiance it is to be gay, and im able to tell this without feeling embarassed too much because ive moved past it and dont really feel that gay anymore. its ...just horrible and truely a great way to destroy your soul because when your gay and you dont tell anyone. you lose your ability to choose DECIDE HOW YOU want to ACTand WHO YOU WANT TO BE. yeah you lose your free will.
when you are in the closet and you dont know you are in it you wonder why you are so different from anyone else. so you try to be like them because there is something WRONG with you.
then when you learn of the word gay from kids making fun of eachother ,adults condoning it as disguisting and punishing you for saying it so automaticly its bad. because people dont like doing swastikas that much cause they show respect cause they know people were killed over the symbolism. so they decide instead of nazi, or bitch, or nigger( although I have seen the term nigger writen less than half as much as gay, unless its like gaynigger fuck or some combination of the two.) they like write gay or fucking queer, faggot.
and when you read the words they are no longer hurtful really cause thats what you associate with yourself. instead because you are so fucking alone you think I WISH I KNEW WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT CAUSE I WOULDNT MIND FINDING ANOTHER FAGGOT LIKE Me ---seriously being gay is hardcore. cause everyone tells you that you choose to be this queer and that its your problem your a faggot.
that was grades 3-6 for that thinking. cause the mind has to go through Alot more abuse before you are ready to come out.
middle school was supposed to be prepairing for your future. but when you are so afraid of others seeing what you really are that you become this "straight person" that wouldnt so much as spare someone who is gay from verbal and physical abuse because they are disguisting. then everyone else pitches in ignoring them, spreading rumors, and just being disgusting because someone is different. so you constantly abuse people like you to gain respect and acceptance from those around you. when that happens and your will isnt yours you find out what the REAL you has and that is NOTHING. because you have never made a decision for yourself.. your straight alter ego has..
now you wrap yourself up with so much hate and prejudice that you not only hate-on gays to be accepted but everyone and everything different around you.
I wasnt very cruel for long though and i learned early from 6th grade to stop fucking with peoples heads.
So now when the time has come and you want to be you,you have to make a huge decision about what you would rather be
you can come out and say your gay, now you can do whatever you want because you are yourself again but Now you are labled Gay and have to deal with the prejudice of everyone one around you talking:infront and behind your back and now since people know what you are they use bigger more sophisticated was of calling you a faggot, such as cumguzzler *(its so fucked up I burst out laughing first time I heard that)* and no matter if its as subtle as stereotyping, innocent as saying something is gay( used as if it mean sucks * such as this place sucks, now its * this place is gay) or as fucked up as someone completely bashing you saying how they feel your existance is a curse and that im destined only for hell and a painful death from aids cause I cant keep it in my pants. or other people out. check this out and tell me what you think as this is just a joke from one place http://www.ubersite.com/m/91024 but this shit is everywhere in society.if you get fed up with all the assholes and wanna find people like you. they are FULL into drugs so now you get into that shit cause you want to be accepted and loved, and they are all just as messed up as you are.
its just so fucked up. and people wonder why someone would actually get plastic surgery to get their sexual organs removed. or why gay people are the way they are. their lifestyle is just so spontanious.
If people would accept gay people and not encourage them to be gay ( such as making the gay lifestyle seem so awesome and exciting *which is only cause if its not crazy and more unique and colorful than you its total hell!) , this movement going on today wouldnt be going on.
and if you decide not come out and you live in denial your whole life. thats a whole nother story but now not only is your life fake but everyone around you who knows you suddenly doesnt and are torn apart between the person they loved and this sterotype they know gay people as)
and now I know why the bible says man shall not lay in bed with another man because homosexuality brings nothing but sadness and pain, and after when you want to settle down and produce life you cant because you are gay and thats the way you are and you think what kind of person would I be to make a child go without their mother and be forced to live my life. unless of course you find gay life fun and appealing for your son or daughter...
( I want a son to teach to be tolerant of all people and watch him grow and become special because he wont have to see the world as a constricted cold world: but as a place for understanding and love. that no matter how angry or sad someone is that they will always have room in their lives for love, hope, and understanding once they stop doubting that other people are just like them. I dont want my son to be gay though or if he was I wouldnt want him living in the world we live in today.)
the only way I made it through that shit was asking myself so manyquestions and knowing their situations was I able to feel comfort in knowing as bad as a person others say I am. Im not the one who cant make the best of life, with all the bs and misguided hate around, because they are! im trying the best I to accept everyone and do the best I can and be the best, and they are still stuck on hate. I grasped a sense of maturity and by mastering it the best I could the happier I was.
ok im gonna stop writing cause When people get tired of reading of gay-pains (like growing pains but....gayer..ugh)
next journal
this is not easy stuff to talk about but if I am to change this world I must show my dedication to honesty and use my life to inspire others to not be like me but to use my pain to become better people and to stop the inequality that is now ever-present through todays current events.
Ive been getting distracted today, my willpower was faultering for a little but i regained focus and started the blog.
last week was life changing for me because while I was just enjoying my life even though I had been in deep depression and nothing has changed except my attitude, and knowing that I had wasted day of my life....shit im trying to think of how to just type out whats going on without starting over but I think I need to do a quick overview of whats affected me.
Shit.... I dont even know where to start from here.
my name is Andrew Skelton
my birthday is march 15th 1992
so im 16 now (III Pisces)-----------astrology is amazing
I was born in Canada at Kelowna.
and my parents were around 27 more or less when I was born. Dad was raised in Canada (white), and my Mom grew up at the Brox, hell kitchen, dirty areas in new york(Puerto Rican). Up until I was 6 years old I had a great childhood and I can remember most of it, but when I turned 7 everything had changed so much( divorce at 5 and switching to live with the other every weekend did things to me along with the hardship that formed and when I became independant), yet I still stayed the same trust loving kid but that changed when my mom met steve and got married. he should have been able to provide a good stable life for us, but really he did the opposite as he provided a party for a couple months then for 5 years he was able to destroy almost every good quality in me.(Along with being held by the throat, thrown to a tree and choked after another bunch of family drama) that was fun. he even had a son 2 years older than me that I could hangout with cause ive always wanted a bro(good thing he was the most selfish, inhuman, disgusting, nerd I have even had the disspleasure of calling family)..I dont hate them its just how they act.. that doesnt mean he didnt teach me anything.
he would tell me " a smart person will make a mistake and learn from the situation to avoid it.
A dumb person will make a mistake and learn nothing from it. but a Wise man learns from the mistakes of others."
very solid advice! yet with his head so far up his ass and the view of his feet so appealing his shit must have smelled very nicely to him. too bad he decided to shit all over his taxes cause he got locked up 4 years in federal prison because he didnt pay a half million in taxes...gosh.
my Mom had 2 boys with him, steven and devin. I love them but cant stand how much it reminds me of phillip when im around steven. deven has changed so much since he was a baby because even though he is still in the family he comes from a relative in the brox and lived in such a harsh enviroment (his parents sold drugs with him on their back and they lived on the street. he didnt have a clean diaper for 6 weeks until my mom came over and brought him back. steven and devin are both 8 and have very close birthdays around novenmber-december.
and now that they have established their personalitys devin is completely afraid of Everything, and doubts he can achieve anything and talks about stuff that just happend with you as if you were not present and didnt see what happend so that he can interact with people ( I used to do that and it does horrible things to your self esteem when no one wants to talk to you cause you have nothing new to say but you think you do and dont know why everyone wont talk to you)
steven is very shy and has taken up leadership since devin wont have part in finishing what he starts. and now if he isnt the smartest, or doing it first or just doing what he wants, he gets angry at devin and makes fun of him to put him down a level than himself. its sad because they are only like that because they dont have a stable father only their mother.
her problems are more self-destructive then theirs because its so deep in her nature that even if she thinks she has changed how she acts toward people you know, she comes out being even alot colder because she tries to trust and not follow her rules-- which are--- independence, control, knowing/telling everything, and trust only to self. which have kept her alive in the bronx. and I dont blame her as she has had some FUCKED up shit go on for her. she was kicked out of the house where her parents would attack and hit her just to make sure she didnt make a mistake.
so I know why she is like that but once she trys to trust someone she worrys because " she worrys so much because she knows if she feels good for one second that her kids will be attacked by something and she cant live with that.
when she was a kid she would try to protect her bros cause she was older than all of them. she was real skinny and would love to run and all the kids would call her olive oyl because she was as skinny as the girl on popey. she is also haunted by the death of her sister because she blames herself for her death when she was in her teens
Her sister and her would smoke pot everyonce in awhile because my mom loved her sis but not pot so much ,and one time her sister fell asleep with a joint in her hand and it fell making the sofa smoke. my mom woke her up all paniced telling her to bemore careful and what would have happend if she wasnt there and her sis would tell here " psh but you is here sis , it aint no thang but a chicken wang" my mom hated when she did that.
So one day she was getting her sis a bit of dope cause they were out besides a joint. my mom when to go get some but when she did they they were smokin and when she gets high she gets really sleepy and just knocks out. well In 1 hour she was up and heading back and as she got closer to the place she heard sirens whailing down the street to where she was going ( she prayed and said to herself damnit you dont you smoke that joint and start the couch on fire!) when she got to the place it was ablaze the only thing not on fire were the metal bars covering the windows and door(to keep robers from breaking in) her sister died trying to get out of the house cause the front door didnt work properly.
this situation and many *sadly* like it shaped her thinking of the world around her. cause if she tries to have fun and isnt responsible over what happens to those around her, someone she loves dies a horrible ironic death. so no matter how she appears to other people as long as she is responsible its better than giving the chance for something wrong to happen.
she is such a huge inspiration to me for her strength because Ive always know that she was not angry because she is mean .but because she loves people so much that how people look at her doesnt matter as much as her protecting those around her.
that unconditional love changed my attitude on life because she had protected me from all these things but if I tried to speak up (with or against her)and protect myself she would verbaly attack me putting me down and showing me that I was incappable of anything.
that I was nothing.
I lived in a rich area with rich kids who are cruel to those who dont have everything as they mascarade their weath, family happiness ,material goods, vacations, that I wasnt able to have and in rich land economic (having everything) status was all that mattered to them. I wasnt one of the unpopular kids and I would try to follow the cool guy thing for awhile attacking and abusing other people around me. but I stopped that once I saw what it was doing to their feelings and mine because I was making fun of the kids that used to be like me.
also along side this I had been sexually confused big time because my way of feeling special was playing around and eventually having sex with guys my age. ( at 6 one of my older friends who was a boy played around with me. what he did is something unfair to do to someone, because no matter how many friends I had or who liked me I was completely and utterly alone in everyway.)
people dont know how horrible and what a truely horrific experiance it is to be gay, and im able to tell this without feeling embarassed too much because ive moved past it and dont really feel that gay anymore. its ...just horrible and truely a great way to destroy your soul because when your gay and you dont tell anyone. you lose your ability to choose DECIDE HOW YOU want to ACTand WHO YOU WANT TO BE. yeah you lose your free will.
when you are in the closet and you dont know you are in it you wonder why you are so different from anyone else. so you try to be like them because there is something WRONG with you.
then when you learn of the word gay from kids making fun of eachother ,adults condoning it as disguisting and punishing you for saying it so automaticly its bad. because people dont like doing swastikas that much cause they show respect cause they know people were killed over the symbolism. so they decide instead of nazi, or bitch, or nigger( although I have seen the term nigger writen less than half as much as gay, unless its like gaynigger fuck or some combination of the two.) they like write gay or fucking queer, faggot.
and when you read the words they are no longer hurtful really cause thats what you associate with yourself. instead because you are so fucking alone you think I WISH I KNEW WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT CAUSE I WOULDNT MIND FINDING ANOTHER FAGGOT LIKE Me ---seriously being gay is hardcore. cause everyone tells you that you choose to be this queer and that its your problem your a faggot.
that was grades 3-6 for that thinking. cause the mind has to go through Alot more abuse before you are ready to come out.
middle school was supposed to be prepairing for your future. but when you are so afraid of others seeing what you really are that you become this "straight person" that wouldnt so much as spare someone who is gay from verbal and physical abuse because they are disguisting. then everyone else pitches in ignoring them, spreading rumors, and just being disgusting because someone is different. so you constantly abuse people like you to gain respect and acceptance from those around you. when that happens and your will isnt yours you find out what the REAL you has and that is NOTHING. because you have never made a decision for yourself.. your straight alter ego has..
now you wrap yourself up with so much hate and prejudice that you not only hate-on gays to be accepted but everyone and everything different around you.
I wasnt very cruel for long though and i learned early from 6th grade to stop fucking with peoples heads.
So now when the time has come and you want to be you,you have to make a huge decision about what you would rather be
you can come out and say your gay, now you can do whatever you want because you are yourself again but Now you are labled Gay and have to deal with the prejudice of everyone one around you talking:infront and behind your back and now since people know what you are they use bigger more sophisticated was of calling you a faggot, such as cumguzzler *(its so fucked up I burst out laughing first time I heard that)* and no matter if its as subtle as stereotyping, innocent as saying something is gay( used as if it mean sucks * such as this place sucks, now its * this place is gay) or as fucked up as someone completely bashing you saying how they feel your existance is a curse and that im destined only for hell and a painful death from aids cause I cant keep it in my pants. or other people out. check this out and tell me what you think as this is just a joke from one place http://www.ubersite.com/m/91024 but this shit is everywhere in society.if you get fed up with all the assholes and wanna find people like you. they are FULL into drugs so now you get into that shit cause you want to be accepted and loved, and they are all just as messed up as you are.
its just so fucked up. and people wonder why someone would actually get plastic surgery to get their sexual organs removed. or why gay people are the way they are. their lifestyle is just so spontanious.
If people would accept gay people and not encourage them to be gay ( such as making the gay lifestyle seem so awesome and exciting *which is only cause if its not crazy and more unique and colorful than you its total hell!) , this movement going on today wouldnt be going on.
and if you decide not come out and you live in denial your whole life. thats a whole nother story but now not only is your life fake but everyone around you who knows you suddenly doesnt and are torn apart between the person they loved and this sterotype they know gay people as)
and now I know why the bible says man shall not lay in bed with another man because homosexuality brings nothing but sadness and pain, and after when you want to settle down and produce life you cant because you are gay and thats the way you are and you think what kind of person would I be to make a child go without their mother and be forced to live my life. unless of course you find gay life fun and appealing for your son or daughter...
( I want a son to teach to be tolerant of all people and watch him grow and become special because he wont have to see the world as a constricted cold world: but as a place for understanding and love. that no matter how angry or sad someone is that they will always have room in their lives for love, hope, and understanding once they stop doubting that other people are just like them. I dont want my son to be gay though or if he was I wouldnt want him living in the world we live in today.)
the only way I made it through that shit was asking myself so manyquestions and knowing their situations was I able to feel comfort in knowing as bad as a person others say I am. Im not the one who cant make the best of life, with all the bs and misguided hate around, because they are! im trying the best I to accept everyone and do the best I can and be the best, and they are still stuck on hate. I grasped a sense of maturity and by mastering it the best I could the happier I was.
ok im gonna stop writing cause When people get tired of reading of gay-pains (like growing pains but....gayer..ugh)
next journal
1st blog reaching out
As I search and find new ways to help make a difference in this world, I Find myself contemplating the journey that I've been through to get to this point. Its been such a fulfilling journey and I feel privaledged to have found my way in life through belief in myself and what I believe in. That finally I have found the peace and happiness in my life to accomplish everything that I didnt think I could. But now that I have accepted myself and what I find to found to bring me happiness... I know what I have to do and that my journey has begun. .anew...
I have stuff to do right now but I will try to update this stuff once i get more situated in my condition.
well today is the first day of doing a blog. I need to start somewhere before I get can get to my goal
OK so.... Im not the best with Grammar but i can type fast, and if I correct too much i cant get any ideas down. So im gonna just keep typin and correcting things later.
the way I write is that I first put down all emotion over the subject and only emphasize on what I feel mostly because before now I lived too much in a world of sight and emotion and less that the way of words and literature. now that I switch around words when I think as to spend more thought processing on theory and intuition than language. My thoughts get mixed up when I try to express them. hopefully I can learn to express myself better through the means of this blog.
------------------------------------------------
its the next day
Ive gone through correcting a couple things here and there.
up here on
(the way I write is that I first put down all emotion over the subject and only emphasize on what I feel mostly because before now I lived too much in a world of sight and emotion and less that the way of words and literature)
my thinking just works in a way that Im able to take any data that is relevant to my problem and apply it in almost a 3D model in my head. ( when I was in school Im sure everyone did this but from my depression and myself recessing into my thoughts for comfort, my brain has worked atleast 2x better, and I would say 3 but because of my thoughts now dont use complicated language as it did before. Im now focusing on the logic and imaginative part of my brain and stopping language. Its able to boost my intuition and gives me a universal way of thinking problems as a whole.
I first found this way of thinking because the barage of pills the doctors threw at me to correct my head were actually making it harder to think. I began having loops of thought ( in words ... as if I were saying to myself I need to find the I need to find the I need to find the I need to Find the I need to find the I need to find the......... it was terribly depressing..) and was unable to stop thinking about a object unless I find it or find another thought to focus on again.
but once I stopped thinking of what I needed to look for as a word and started thinking of what I needed as a something such as a *(a past memory- connection between another though that is clearer in my head- how it effects my 5 main senses-emotion to it- color of the emotion and physical feeling of the emotion.... yes you can teach yourself to reconize situations by the physical feeling of your intuition.... almost like dejavu.. where your memory slaps you in the face and you are like wait huh... have I seen this before?! Same can be said when you play a video game, sport, hobby, job, or anything where you can feel your instict telling you when to do stuff, If you pay attention you will know that your insticts will feel different if you should do one thing or another. its what I do but on a different level because I get rid of language which takes those emotions and instead of my subcouncious saying in english *YOU HAVE TO GO UP IF YOU DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN* its now as if my head showing me guestures pointing up and I obey without question.
look at the research between the cognative ablility of chimpanzes and humans, the part of our brain that makes us special Is the language section (and is a constraint on your thought proccess.) and the part that applys Logic (also a huge constraint but needed)
the research shows that, chimps opperate their decision making process based on instict because they interpret what to decide based on the raw data that their senses tell them. but when humans were tested they found that peoples decisions would be slower and less accurate because they had converted the data into language and used (logic) to make up for the loss of data because for most people to read they have to be looking exactly where the words are to read them so that they may convert the *physical manifestation of thought( language) back into thoughts and emotion..
sorry I think how the brain works is fascinating but basicly .... think of a dvd player as your inputs(senses) you want to watch a dvd so you hook it up to a tv with speakers(reaction)
that is pure now lets say your tv doesnt work on analog but interlaced... ugh bad examples are BAD... anyways so now you have to hookup the dvd player to a converter and then to the tv. now that the image has been converted is awesome ... everything is clearer... but the sound sucks.. so now you get a reciever for a suround system ( back speakers only....I said it was a bad example....). you plug in the audio input to the reciever but it still you have to connect other cables to get the speakers to work. np right. but now you have sound in the back but none in the front OR a image. now you have to take the converter and receiver and plug it into the tv. but when you think you are all done. it has to be calabrated because the image on the screen, the sound comming out the back of the speakers, and the front are not matching because it takes longer for the data to make it through the receiver than say the image takes to display. so now what you have to do is calabrate them so that they all work together with the slow process...
thats why talking infront of people is hard and you get thoughts mixedup because the huge amounts of data you take in because of peerpressure actually is able to sway your main cognative abilities...
whew.. there ... thats why I think the way I do and why I endorse it to anyone who needs a bit of help focusing. but also you can become dependent on the other sense that make up for your rerouted data so it can be a two edged blade.. until I learn to master it completely. that would be Fucking sweet!
ugh ive always got something else to say.
its also why if you get high and eat after or take a shower it goes away or is just generally weaker. same reason why acupuncture works, smelling salts, everything where you use one stimuli to make up for another....... substituting one process for another. S
See this shit is all around us you just have to look deeper into their meaning.
you can look anywhere and find the answers for life and what its purpose are. you just need to learn to open your eyes.
I have stuff to do right now but I will try to update this stuff once i get more situated in my condition.
well today is the first day of doing a blog. I need to start somewhere before I get can get to my goal
OK so.... Im not the best with Grammar but i can type fast, and if I correct too much i cant get any ideas down. So im gonna just keep typin and correcting things later.
the way I write is that I first put down all emotion over the subject and only emphasize on what I feel mostly because before now I lived too much in a world of sight and emotion and less that the way of words and literature. now that I switch around words when I think as to spend more thought processing on theory and intuition than language. My thoughts get mixed up when I try to express them. hopefully I can learn to express myself better through the means of this blog.
------------------------------------------------
its the next day
Ive gone through correcting a couple things here and there.
up here on
(the way I write is that I first put down all emotion over the subject and only emphasize on what I feel mostly because before now I lived too much in a world of sight and emotion and less that the way of words and literature)
my thinking just works in a way that Im able to take any data that is relevant to my problem and apply it in almost a 3D model in my head. ( when I was in school Im sure everyone did this but from my depression and myself recessing into my thoughts for comfort, my brain has worked atleast 2x better, and I would say 3 but because of my thoughts now dont use complicated language as it did before. Im now focusing on the logic and imaginative part of my brain and stopping language. Its able to boost my intuition and gives me a universal way of thinking problems as a whole.
I first found this way of thinking because the barage of pills the doctors threw at me to correct my head were actually making it harder to think. I began having loops of thought ( in words ... as if I were saying to myself I need to find the I need to find the I need to find the I need to Find the I need to find the I need to find the......... it was terribly depressing..) and was unable to stop thinking about a object unless I find it or find another thought to focus on again.
but once I stopped thinking of what I needed to look for as a word and started thinking of what I needed as a something such as a *(a past memory- connection between another though that is clearer in my head- how it effects my 5 main senses-emotion to it- color of the emotion and physical feeling of the emotion.... yes you can teach yourself to reconize situations by the physical feeling of your intuition.... almost like dejavu.. where your memory slaps you in the face and you are like wait huh... have I seen this before?! Same can be said when you play a video game, sport, hobby, job, or anything where you can feel your instict telling you when to do stuff, If you pay attention you will know that your insticts will feel different if you should do one thing or another. its what I do but on a different level because I get rid of language which takes those emotions and instead of my subcouncious saying in english *YOU HAVE TO GO UP IF YOU DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN* its now as if my head showing me guestures pointing up and I obey without question.
look at the research between the cognative ablility of chimpanzes and humans, the part of our brain that makes us special Is the language section (and is a constraint on your thought proccess.) and the part that applys Logic (also a huge constraint but needed)
the research shows that, chimps opperate their decision making process based on instict because they interpret what to decide based on the raw data that their senses tell them. but when humans were tested they found that peoples decisions would be slower and less accurate because they had converted the data into language and used (logic) to make up for the loss of data because for most people to read they have to be looking exactly where the words are to read them so that they may convert the *physical manifestation of thought( language) back into thoughts and emotion..
sorry I think how the brain works is fascinating but basicly .... think of a dvd player as your inputs(senses) you want to watch a dvd so you hook it up to a tv with speakers(reaction)
that is pure now lets say your tv doesnt work on analog but interlaced... ugh bad examples are BAD... anyways so now you have to hookup the dvd player to a converter and then to the tv. now that the image has been converted is awesome ... everything is clearer... but the sound sucks.. so now you get a reciever for a suround system ( back speakers only....I said it was a bad example....). you plug in the audio input to the reciever but it still you have to connect other cables to get the speakers to work. np right. but now you have sound in the back but none in the front OR a image. now you have to take the converter and receiver and plug it into the tv. but when you think you are all done. it has to be calabrated because the image on the screen, the sound comming out the back of the speakers, and the front are not matching because it takes longer for the data to make it through the receiver than say the image takes to display. so now what you have to do is calabrate them so that they all work together with the slow process...
thats why talking infront of people is hard and you get thoughts mixedup because the huge amounts of data you take in because of peerpressure actually is able to sway your main cognative abilities...
whew.. there ... thats why I think the way I do and why I endorse it to anyone who needs a bit of help focusing. but also you can become dependent on the other sense that make up for your rerouted data so it can be a two edged blade.. until I learn to master it completely. that would be Fucking sweet!
ugh ive always got something else to say.
its also why if you get high and eat after or take a shower it goes away or is just generally weaker. same reason why acupuncture works, smelling salts, everything where you use one stimuli to make up for another....... substituting one process for another. S
See this shit is all around us you just have to look deeper into their meaning.
you can look anywhere and find the answers for life and what its purpose are. you just need to learn to open your eyes.
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