I was watching the might ducks 3, when they showed the coach skating around with his daughter who was injured in a accident, long story short after seeing the little girl so happy being able to skate on ice with the wheelchair made me begin to cry and feel sad.. its been happening for a few years now, sure call it a tender moment but why dont I feel happy for them? just sad..
but what I know I should be happy for her having fun but all I can do is cry..


I feel like Ive fixed most of my problems and atm im not happy but not terribly depressed like before.. its just very different now...deep inside I am still very unhappy. I lack my friend... Im still not over my dog dying..

to make up for my lack of touch I indulge my self with perverted thoughts of wild sex with dream men.. the whole time being passionately being held, embraced, lifted,etc.. always in a possition to feel their power, I know where it stems from. the relationship with my parents and my need for a strong rolemodel in my life, I was growing up gay so instead of looking to skimpy boys I looked for the tough, rugged, tall, beefy, hairy and muscular guys. the extreme masculinity is very appealing to me, I love to feel at the mercy of such beast.. feeling their power.. and by power I mean strength and not their dick.. being passionate, loving, and feeling powerless and loving it with someone who by our cultural standards shouldn't be doing what we are doing.

the thing with duke is.. we never did anything sexual...so my intense love over him is not for that. it was His Power... Such an extremely powerful animal. but then... he was super goofy! never shy and would spend time with you whenever he did anything.. sure sounds like a regular dog.. no. straight up .. Ive seen lots of dogs.. LOTS of dogs... and no other dog was this smart and had as much strength as him.. because through loving me and doing everything that I said and still being the best dog who would never and did not ever hurt anyone. (not even when he would attack the chickens! he would pounce on them and never kill them.. I would tell him to get the rooster if he started up at 4 am and he would and then I would say stop and he would come back.. chicken unharmed but pounced and tossed around...)
he used his mouth as a instrument.. yes that what they are for but he would pickup bugs and play with them on the roof of his mouth and tongue.. never chewing them.. just to see what they are.. then spit them out and stare at it real close and see what it tried to do for 5 mins.. then he would play with it and see how it reacted.. Duke is pure intelligence.. excentric because he made faces and body language which was our way of talking... I read what body language and faces/sounds such that he made and I would react to them and teach him and then use those commands to teach him other commands... he was psychic too.. I know this now.. I kinda did at the time but I know now... before me and my dad would have a fight he would try to go outside or in myroom. he knew what I wanted to do even before I commanded him to. .
the bond between us was powerful.. his presence .. the same..
And every night.. we would sleep together.. embraced, or with him at the foot of my bed, or over my shoulder, or on my legs.. then if I didnt wanna cuddle I could tell him to get off the bed and stay.. and he would. all night.... in the morning he would stare outside the widow just stare at things. he loved outside.. shit he loved watching things... even tv.. Im tellin you smart.
He gave me everything I desired.. suppose I could get another dog.. But I feel terrible about duke... I want my best friend back... its not fair.. Its my fault and he totally didnt deserve it.. I wonder because I got home at night and didnt check on him.. I went through the back and didnt hear him... I walked right past him and looked at where he was ... I thought he might have been too scared to come out because he knew that he had dissapointed me that morning...I wonder if he was still alive but too fucked up from heat stoke to get up.. mabye he could see me walk to him then away... or atleast smell me..
I wish I had buried him on my property instead of the one next to me so I could make a nice place to hangout with him... that would be great... though I burried him without a coffin or anything but his favorite toy.. so I cant dig him up and transfer him..

when I go to his grave and I feel for energy.. I feel a surge of energy right where his head is.. and where the last open part to his grave was..
even where he died.. I feel his energy there as well.. its terrible for me.. being able to feel him but not be with him..
duke gave me everything.. feeding him and taking him outside gave me routine in life which inspired me to grow and do more. I was able to be myself with him and he loved me for it and that was great for my ego. I was able to learn from my own actions and his own by viewing what was happening and stopping cause I cared about him. we were both sensitive to energy/ghost and helped me establish that what I was sensing was real because he perceived the same things as well.I gained alot of wisdom from duke.
so I was fixed emotionally, physically, spiritually, culturally. he saved my life.

I honestly dont know how to live without him.. sure I know how to get things done but he enables me to do anything that I want..

I was watching a movie and they went in to hear a symthiny, the main char closed his eyes and was reacting to the sound of the music. I thought, wonder what its like to be moved so much by the sounds, (but I am like that....)
I was doing a little qi gong at the moment and was in a meditative state while thinking.
he went into his mind and I wonder what he was thinking so I let myself be moved by the music and imagined a happy place. a arial cam flying over the okenogen lake and valleys , beautiful things flashing such as flowers, rain, waterfall, tree frog,
it was deeper than that but I thought ... hey they did that for shamans when they found their spirit animal.. so then I frowned at being a frog.... but then I thought about it.. frogs have been checkpoints through my whole life.. its weird.. when I was a kid I would throw them in the hot springs.. 6 I would throw them in the air and see how high I could throw them (horrible I know)....
then I used to just study them, then I left them alone, then I saved them, I had a fascination, then I didnt care for them cause I had other things in my life, now I just smile or ponder what they are thinking when I see one nowadays.. lots since I live next to a river and pond.


all morning ive been thinking of ways to fix my vision, to do better, find something to actually do instead of (playing games, using the internet ,and jacking off) get on a diet and find some way to find my thoughts so that I can work.

these are the two definitions for frog power animal

FROG - bring healing. As water cleanses the arid earth and returns life to it so Frog's medicine can wash away any physical and mental energies which deprive us of harmony and peace, and helps to replenish our own ability to heal ourselves on all levels. It is a symbol of recognizing one's own power, of adaptation and using sound and nature to make changes in our life.

Frog's medicine brings the rain of cleansing, both physical and spiritual. Frog
will come to you at a time when you are worried, stressed, nervous, overwhelmed
or weak. Take some time to cleanse spiritually and take a break from the
troubles of life. From this cleansing comes rebirth. A Frog person has the
ability to cleanse away negative energies whether by song, words, or tears. Frog
may seem small, but his lesson is great. He teaches us that we must cleanse and
release negative energies in order to conquer our daily problems. All too often
we forget this, and let the stress consume us. Frog comes to you when you need a
vacation to regain control of your life, enjoy this message.


I will go with it..
I hope to have more experiences like this.