while looking at someones birth time, I thought about the people that they got along with and how my friends interact with each other. natural best friends and homies are showing up but are due to astrological influences. im amazed.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
ive fallen in love with one of my best friends.. Ive never felt this way before.
im confused... I noticed signs that something was going on, but I deny myself my feelings because I feel that they are just dreams of my suppressed sexuality and the close relationship between me and a friend.
The thing is though.... when I consult astrology it tells all the events that happend... how my mind is atm, and how his is.... or how it SAYS it is. im insecure and even though I completely trust it to myself. I cannot trust it with love...
we went with his roomate and his girlfriend to a party. he introduced me to everyone and told me to follow him, I was too shy and walked away to see who was at the party.
he would always praise me and get my back, pull people who have the same ideals as me so that we could work on the same thing together.
he talked to me about his personal life, and removed all his defensive barriers.
the next day when he was talkin about the party, he said he was watchin me at the party stumble around and mingle with people.
he wanted to settle down and get out of the area, he wanted to move in with me.
when he picked me up a few days ago, it was because he was not feeling so well and wanted to hangout at home with me and chill when there was a party going on.
he saw me reject a girl that broke up with my homeboy a week ago, he pretended he was asleep but texted me about the experiance after she got off me.
last night, I was pretty wasted but.. while he was saying that there are friends here for me and that I didnt need to stay alone... I think he said that I didnt need to stay in the closet.... it was a serious and personal talk but I thought I was hearing things. before he caught me staring at his arms and he said to stop looking at his arms, I replied in a tone to imply that he is a jackass and that I was looking at something else and that he is insecure, I said what?! fuck you dude. he caught me.
there are more things but I feel silly writting them.
I really hope it is real. I want it to be. Ive always liked him, a friend more than as something else but it was always a dream in the back of my mind, but he is so damn straight... Im scared.
I dont want to ruin our friendship, he regards me as family.
If I were to come out to my homies then my kindness might be perceived as sexuality. they are very insecure about gay people.
I am happy that I have been able to experiance someone trying to open my heart, even if it is a missunderstanding I have always wanted to be in a situation like this.
I was gonna go have sex just to get over these feelings... but now I kinda want to wait and see if my friend is the real deal...
im so stupid..
from a astrological viewpoint... its a perfect match. im gonna have to read up on virgos
im confused... I noticed signs that something was going on, but I deny myself my feelings because I feel that they are just dreams of my suppressed sexuality and the close relationship between me and a friend.
The thing is though.... when I consult astrology it tells all the events that happend... how my mind is atm, and how his is.... or how it SAYS it is. im insecure and even though I completely trust it to myself. I cannot trust it with love...
we went with his roomate and his girlfriend to a party. he introduced me to everyone and told me to follow him, I was too shy and walked away to see who was at the party.
he would always praise me and get my back, pull people who have the same ideals as me so that we could work on the same thing together.
he talked to me about his personal life, and removed all his defensive barriers.
the next day when he was talkin about the party, he said he was watchin me at the party stumble around and mingle with people.
he wanted to settle down and get out of the area, he wanted to move in with me.
when he picked me up a few days ago, it was because he was not feeling so well and wanted to hangout at home with me and chill when there was a party going on.
he saw me reject a girl that broke up with my homeboy a week ago, he pretended he was asleep but texted me about the experiance after she got off me.
last night, I was pretty wasted but.. while he was saying that there are friends here for me and that I didnt need to stay alone... I think he said that I didnt need to stay in the closet.... it was a serious and personal talk but I thought I was hearing things. before he caught me staring at his arms and he said to stop looking at his arms, I replied in a tone to imply that he is a jackass and that I was looking at something else and that he is insecure, I said what?! fuck you dude. he caught me.
there are more things but I feel silly writting them.
I really hope it is real. I want it to be. Ive always liked him, a friend more than as something else but it was always a dream in the back of my mind, but he is so damn straight... Im scared.
I dont want to ruin our friendship, he regards me as family.
If I were to come out to my homies then my kindness might be perceived as sexuality. they are very insecure about gay people.
I am happy that I have been able to experiance someone trying to open my heart, even if it is a missunderstanding I have always wanted to be in a situation like this.
I was gonna go have sex just to get over these feelings... but now I kinda want to wait and see if my friend is the real deal...
im so stupid..
from a astrological viewpoint... its a perfect match. im gonna have to read up on virgos
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
well ive misplaced my my inner voice. I dont trust anything anymore. not even myself.
when you have the voice to guide you... dont listen to any others. I went and tried to talk to others that might be on the path, but they swayed my thoughts. indigo chatrooms, societys. they have stopped me from trusting myself, along with them, my mother, father, friends. im sad, I dont have anything real now.
the thing is that, as much as I want to talk to god again... I dont feel like I can trust it.
I want a partner..
im so confused.
I dont want to live here anymore.
I want to leave, I want to travel and just leave this place, I want to live with friends, I need some help to establish trust in myself.
I just want to sleep all day
when you have the voice to guide you... dont listen to any others. I went and tried to talk to others that might be on the path, but they swayed my thoughts. indigo chatrooms, societys. they have stopped me from trusting myself, along with them, my mother, father, friends. im sad, I dont have anything real now.
the thing is that, as much as I want to talk to god again... I dont feel like I can trust it.
I want a partner..
im so confused.
I dont want to live here anymore.
I want to leave, I want to travel and just leave this place, I want to live with friends, I need some help to establish trust in myself.
I just want to sleep all day
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
note to myself
stop being embarassed about your thoughts!
if you want something dont be ashamed, try to see if its what you really want!
if doing this does not make you happy, then what are you doing this for? you did it cause you were happy before and it made you even happier.
stop doubting yourself and fearing your choices, everything happens for a reason, dont let yourself do things that you dont feel you should do. dont let fear be the reason behind your actions!
you had a more perverted mind when all this happend, but it was not perverted! it was actually quite innocent! stop being ashamed of yourself because you are not perfect! accept your limitations and work to grow past them!
if you stop fearing and doubting and you are still unhappy, then STOP IT!
you have stopped working so hard because you have overwhelmed yourself with expectations.
you have been chosen because you wanted to be who you wanted to be! you wanted love! thats it! not even material possesion effected you! what you are doing right now is silly.
either way people will see your struggle and will know what is hard to live with and what is not, they wont just become who you are.
if you want something dont be ashamed, try to see if its what you really want!
if doing this does not make you happy, then what are you doing this for? you did it cause you were happy before and it made you even happier.
stop doubting yourself and fearing your choices, everything happens for a reason, dont let yourself do things that you dont feel you should do. dont let fear be the reason behind your actions!
you had a more perverted mind when all this happend, but it was not perverted! it was actually quite innocent! stop being ashamed of yourself because you are not perfect! accept your limitations and work to grow past them!
if you stop fearing and doubting and you are still unhappy, then STOP IT!
you have stopped working so hard because you have overwhelmed yourself with expectations.
you have been chosen because you wanted to be who you wanted to be! you wanted love! thats it! not even material possesion effected you! what you are doing right now is silly.
either way people will see your struggle and will know what is hard to live with and what is not, they wont just become who you are.
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