my depression and discovery of close death...

from the last journal here is what can be said.

through the state of mind I was in where Everyone was my best friend but also my worst enemy I learned to never hate because people dont act the way they do because they choose. No, they learn from the world presented To them, so I couldnt blame anyone for my self hate. I took it inside of me and hated myself. I was stuck in deep though constantly, so much that it became hard to talk properly without getting too nervous from analyzing their actions and emotions to see if I was conveying myself properly. I thought so much of other people lives that I constantly lived in a fantisy world thinking in my head of what other people thought and how they expressed their emotions. what they felt as they walked down the street in a their stride that they do. did they do it because of previous peerpresure? Its weird but now when I meet people Im able to know exactly what their motives are to all their actions and how they will react to different situations. not psychic . just extremely intuitive all the time.

well in highschool I had almost gotten past my emotions and accepted who I was. I even had a awesome friend from 6th grade and we were still homies you know!

( I miss you Justin, Im sorry that I completly abondoned you and our friendship, you were the best friend Ive had and I feel blessed to have know a genuinely and good person cause before I hadnt found any. I left only because I didnt want the kids at school to make fun of you when the time was right and I came out to everyone at school cause you dont deserve that shit. =( if it wasnt for people like you I wouldnt be trying to do this.)

was finally able to work and not just read up on my dream job. I used to buy books on calculus, flying, flightmanuels, I used to even spend the evenings talking to real pilots and asking them how they got to where they were and would try to work my way through since grade 7. ( I wanted to be a fighter pilot for the navy... navy has the Best Pilots in the world, and also go to annopolis for prior schooling) but my dad wanted to move so we did. right in the middle of a town outside of austin called Buda. it was ok until christmas break, then I met a few genuine people that I would have liked to still be friends with but I tried not to get attached because I was moving out of town when i graduated so that No one would reconize me. these kids I met were the drugy crowd and I was happily accepted into their group because as much as they loved pot, I loved it more because it was a new way to disguise my unhappiness. and I stole thousands from my dad to pay from my habit. Nothing was ever enough for me. I was digging a hole deeper to hell you could say... and I did.

I stopped going to school and stayed home smoking pot all day. unhealthy amounts. quarter-pound?! NP!!!!!! just gimme the weeked and my two boys and we would have it down by sunday noon! I thought that I needed to get pills for my sleeping ,mood, and since I was a kid ghost have been haunting me and I wanted to see if it was because of some mental dissorder.....* it wasnt as i figured it out later in life.......( I didnt like taking pills to get fucked up because I felt like they would kill me.) but all that did was give my body an excuse to slack off and become highly unstable as I tried every sleeping pill and drug to make my sleeping better so i could think during the day. by the time winter break came next year I still wasnt In school.
Then my instablility went into meltdown mode and even though I had a great night because my dad had taken me to the alamo draft house ( awesome movie theator that was by my old house, they served cooked food/beer/desert during the movie cause you would have rows of tables for every seat row) anyways I had swiped money for some pot and we got into a huge fight and soon either he hit me or I threw something then we started fighting , dont remember exactly how it happend but i ended up with my back stuck in the wall with a broken toe and pinky ( OH the other past days I had gotten tired with one of my friends shit because he was on too many BARS-anti anxiety pills-GGs and I was feeling them also but he wouldnt get out of my house so I kicked his ass and broke my nuckle on his face. nothing bad just a ass kickin to make him show respect for my house.he was smaller than me ...BUT HE TALKED SO MUCH SHIT!!! older also.. anyways) well after breaking as much shit as I wanted to or dared to I left as my dad called the police and i smashed my huge Bong all over living room. * I never said I was perfect! =( I felt bad when I did it and I still do because im living with the consciquences.*
with the police comming I left the house and went to my homies house.
I ended up running fullstride into a barbwire fence behind his place because it was about 3 am but i had too much addrenalin in me to notice the multiple number of holes in my legs arms chest thigh and hands. but I turned around Cause how I was acting just wasnt who I was and I opened the fence door to walk back the po-po rolled up I freaked and almost ran off but walked up to them and co operated.
I didnt notice my serverely broken pinky, big toe and knucles which when healed never worked properly again.

that was my second horrible birthday. other was around 10 not going into that because I can barely remember my life ages 9-12 besides being so sad and hurt that I locked it all away.

I called my mom and from the next day spent march 16- late july (another verbal fight with mom not my fault this time because she said really fucked up things and i ignored her but she wouldnt let me). rehabilitating myself and dedicating my free time to being the best on my new Game World of warcraft.
I still was going to a doctor that was a quack! as he perscribed to me EVERY different kind of sleep pill, anti anxiety pills, energy pills. he just fucked my whole system over anyways after he had made a couple thousand dollars charging use 300 with insurence to see him each session and I went to him for medical assistance for a couple months. he was also supposed to help with my vision problems since I was able to see red and white bloodcells moving in my eyes and other interferences such as floaters and other shapes that would be visible depending how my mood was but always when I looked at the blue sky or anypart of the sky.he was also looking for the reason why I would have a tremmor in my arm when I sneezed. after he sent us to a heartspecialist because he thought that the abnormal heartbeat from before was reacurring and that I should get my heart rate examined.
After getting a bunch of sticky pads put all over me and connected with wires they confirmed that something war wrong..... so they did another test that hooked up about 16 diodes to my head which was awesome cause I had long hair.( a little shorter than now) and took only an hour to put on and 2 to test....
they told me bad new and wanted to do a MRI on my brain. So then I was off to a brain hospitol
this place was fucking scary. It was like when you see crazy hospitols in cheesy movies and they are filled with the most fucked up poop-flinging animal-talking kinds of crazy people that believe they are pirates or from the moon whatever... just to exhagerated the fact that its a crazy hospitol.
I walk in and this guy is missing HALF his head. this other guy has large roung hole that this guy was picking at. everyone is just looking super crazy and fucked up. its was a fun day waiting room, and listening to the conversations going on were nice too. uncle of getting shot, cancer, epalepsy....awesome. then I had to strip down and they shot me full of the visable solution for my head, and I layed down onto the table and was put into the machine. I dont know if you have ever seen or heard the actually noise from these machines but they are loud and very freakin scarey! Cause my heads hurting from the liquid and I can feel the waves on my brain almost as if my brain felt firm and empty when before I had a feeling of confort and sensation. so this huge machine was zapping waves into my brain and all I can think of is this image of freddy krueger scraping his knives on the chalkbored making that kids head blow up haha. I dont like needles or small spaces at all so I was pretty peachy, until they had to do it again because they said I moved to much..... but when I came out and they had the results they said I had a cyst In my brain that controlled movement and speech, but was in a complicated place because it was at the epelipsy part of the brain also...
...... I didnt eat at all for the first month and ate 3 eggs the next month, then I smoked again and found amazing bags of fully cooked hotwings. I..gained my strength haha ....I was doing the cold turkey thing,and it was hard..... shit I wouldnt have eaten at all and would have starved myself If hotwings didnt exist isnt that pathetic. save by hotwings...geeze. and went from around 225-238lbs to 145 lbs -155lbs the whole time I was haunted by ghost(of my past?),vision,doors opening and closing, footsteps going up and down stairs, and voices that I couldnt understand but knew were talking and went through a very scary state of life in which no one could help me. I was forced to help myself and investigate how the brain works and how the interaction between medicines may have effected me but nothing came up sadly.
Thats what I was depressed about because after further investigation of what was going on to me I found that I was dying and after a month I had confromation as I lost my perfect eyesight *and my dream of flying or going into space* and who I was in the deep misery of slowly dying..I had figured that since it was on my motor coordination part of the brain that If it were to grow around that point I was going to die paralyzed and crazy... I lost so much weight. I lost my will to live. everything that I wanted in my life was going to be taken away from me by the time I was 30. Then I had the fight with my mom and she sent me to my dads new place.

( I went to see my friends back at Buda a month earlier and alot had changed but still kept their old ways. people were in jail now for doing beer runs and other criminal shit..same old shit and I didnt get back into besides smoking which has let me stop taking all the pills i used to take, and now have quite smoking basically unless I get a road block in my thinking as I like to write, draw, make things, and music now for fun along with researching this new project that I want to work on.)

I had rehabilitated myself /ok/ and was doing chores at my moms before she gave me the boot.
now I was at this new house. now I rehabilitated my self more, working on the house, gardning, getting chickens and shit trying to be selfsufficient and I was doing great for awhile. the two years in this place have been spent reflecting on all of my experiance and searching for a new reason to live. because In here as I thought the first month that I was doing ok. I had a stroke. and lost sensation to all my lower half besides a numbing painful sensation. I thought it was just a physical manifestation of my stress and depression which it was but since then my movement was just changed along with my cognative ability. I could feel my life leaving me. everyday was a horrible nightmare that I couldnt change.(this is just the overview of the situation. only about 1/10th the full appreciation for what was happening because I like seeing all this bs I pushed myself through to get here because I feel so empowered now If I was able to stop all this myself. that through all the sadness and the anti depressants and moody bs going on with me I was able to fix my depression and my problems by myself and repair the damages done by myself,the pills, and other people.)

im dont really wanna go on with this because im getting bored talking about sad stuff and because I want to move forward not back..but the point is I learned to question within myself what I really wanted and expected of myself and how I would achieve that and what I wanted from my life.( long or short.) and I put all my fears behind me and embraced life and myself without fear of anything. my depression was over and I found the meaning of life.

really to understand the meaning of life you would have had to go rock bottom and work yourway up all by yourself.

I dont want to post these .... embarassing especially this one talking about the shit I see. ITS not my choice and Ive always see these things since I was a baby. I used ask my parents if they could see germs because thats what I thought they were.
Alas now that I have pulled through the loss of function besides me being ADD but hey ive even been able to control the stuff I see and Stopped my loss of vission and blurrouts so hey ADD doesnt seem that bad