steady....unafraid.. ( andrews history )

its the same day as last post just 1 min later.


this is not easy stuff to talk about but if I am to change this world I must show my dedication to honesty and use my life to inspire others to not be like me but to use my pain to become better people and to stop the inequality that is now ever-present through todays current events.


Ive been getting distracted today, my willpower was faultering for a little but i regained focus and started the blog.
last week was life changing for me because while I was just enjoying my life even though I had been in deep depression and nothing has changed except my attitude, and knowing that I had wasted day of my life....shit im trying to think of how to just type out whats going on without starting over but I think I need to do a quick overview of whats affected me.

Shit.... I dont even know where to start from here.
my name is Andrew Skelton
my birthday is march 15th 1992
so im 16 now (III Pisces)-----------astrology is amazing
I was born in Canada at Kelowna.
and my parents were around 27 more or less when I was born. Dad was raised in Canada (white), and my Mom grew up at the Brox, hell kitchen, dirty areas in new york(Puerto Rican). Up until I was 6 years old I had a great childhood and I can remember most of it, but when I turned 7 everything had changed so much( divorce at 5 and switching to live with the other every weekend did things to me along with the hardship that formed and when I became independant), yet I still stayed the same trust loving kid but that changed when my mom met steve and got married. he should have been able to provide a good stable life for us, but really he did the opposite as he provided a party for a couple months then for 5 years he was able to destroy almost every good quality in me.(Along with being held by the throat, thrown to a tree and choked after another bunch of family drama) that was fun. he even had a son 2 years older than me that I could hangout with cause ive always wanted a bro(good thing he was the most selfish, inhuman, disgusting, nerd I have even had the disspleasure of calling family)..I dont hate them its just how they act.. that doesnt mean he didnt teach me anything.

he would tell me " a smart person will make a mistake and learn from the situation to avoid it.
A dumb person will make a mistake and learn nothing from it. but a Wise man learns from the mistakes of others."
very solid advice! yet with his head so far up his ass and the view of his feet so appealing his shit must have smelled very nicely to him. too bad he decided to shit all over his taxes cause he got locked up 4 years in federal prison because he didnt pay a half million in taxes...gosh.

my Mom had 2 boys with him, steven and devin. I love them but cant stand how much it reminds me of phillip when im around steven. deven has changed so much since he was a baby because even though he is still in the family he comes from a relative in the brox and lived in such a harsh enviroment (his parents sold drugs with him on their back and they lived on the street. he didnt have a clean diaper for 6 weeks until my mom came over and brought him back. steven and devin are both 8 and have very close birthdays around novenmber-december.
and now that they have established their personalitys devin is completely afraid of Everything, and doubts he can achieve anything and talks about stuff that just happend with you as if you were not present and didnt see what happend so that he can interact with people ( I used to do that and it does horrible things to your self esteem when no one wants to talk to you cause you have nothing new to say but you think you do and dont know why everyone wont talk to you)
steven is very shy and has taken up leadership since devin wont have part in finishing what he starts. and now if he isnt the smartest, or doing it first or just doing what he wants, he gets angry at devin and makes fun of him to put him down a level than himself. its sad because they are only like that because they dont have a stable father only their mother.

her problems are more self-destructive then theirs because its so deep in her nature that even if she thinks she has changed how she acts toward people you know, she comes out being even alot colder because she tries to trust and not follow her rules-- which are--- independence, control, knowing/telling everything, and trust only to self. which have kept her alive in the bronx. and I dont blame her as she has had some FUCKED up shit go on for her. she was kicked out of the house where her parents would attack and hit her just to make sure she didnt make a mistake.
so I know why she is like that but once she trys to trust someone she worrys because " she worrys so much because she knows if she feels good for one second that her kids will be attacked by something and she cant live with that.

when she was a kid she would try to protect her bros cause she was older than all of them. she was real skinny and would love to run and all the kids would call her olive oyl because she was as skinny as the girl on popey. she is also haunted by the death of her sister because she blames herself for her death when she was in her teens
Her sister and her would smoke pot everyonce in awhile because my mom loved her sis but not pot so much ,and one time her sister fell asleep with a joint in her hand and it fell making the sofa smoke. my mom woke her up all paniced telling her to bemore careful and what would have happend if she wasnt there and her sis would tell here " psh but you is here sis , it aint no thang but a chicken wang" my mom hated when she did that.
So one day she was getting her sis a bit of dope cause they were out besides a joint. my mom when to go get some but when she did they they were smokin and when she gets high she gets really sleepy and just knocks out. well In 1 hour she was up and heading back and as she got closer to the place she heard sirens whailing down the street to where she was going ( she prayed and said to herself damnit you dont you smoke that joint and start the couch on fire!) when she got to the place it was ablaze the only thing not on fire were the metal bars covering the windows and door(to keep robers from breaking in) her sister died trying to get out of the house cause the front door didnt work properly.

this situation and many *sadly* like it shaped her thinking of the world around her. cause if she tries to have fun and isnt responsible over what happens to those around her, someone she loves dies a horrible ironic death. so no matter how she appears to other people as long as she is responsible its better than giving the chance for something wrong to happen.

she is such a huge inspiration to me for her strength because Ive always know that she was not angry because she is mean .but because she loves people so much that how people look at her doesnt matter as much as her protecting those around her.

that unconditional love changed my attitude on life because she had protected me from all these things but if I tried to speak up (with or against her)and protect myself she would verbaly attack me putting me down and showing me that I was incappable of anything.
that I was nothing.

I lived in a rich area with rich kids who are cruel to those who dont have everything as they mascarade their weath, family happiness ,material goods, vacations, that I wasnt able to have and in rich land economic (having everything) status was all that mattered to them. I wasnt one of the unpopular kids and I would try to follow the cool guy thing for awhile attacking and abusing other people around me. but I stopped that once I saw what it was doing to their feelings and mine because I was making fun of the kids that used to be like me.

also along side this I had been sexually confused big time because my way of feeling special was playing around and eventually having sex with guys my age. ( at 6 one of my older friends who was a boy played around with me. what he did is something unfair to do to someone, because no matter how many friends I had or who liked me I was completely and utterly alone in everyway.)

people dont know how horrible and what a truely horrific experiance it is to be gay, and im able to tell this without feeling embarassed too much because ive moved past it and dont really feel that gay anymore. its ...just horrible and truely a great way to destroy your soul because when your gay and you dont tell anyone. you lose your ability to choose DECIDE HOW YOU want to ACTand WHO YOU WANT TO BE. yeah you lose your free will.

when you are in the closet and you dont know you are in it you wonder why you are so different from anyone else. so you try to be like them because there is something WRONG with you.

then when you learn of the word gay from kids making fun of eachother ,adults condoning it as disguisting and punishing you for saying it so automaticly its bad. because people dont like doing swastikas that much cause they show respect cause they know people were killed over the symbolism. so they decide instead of nazi, or bitch, or nigger( although I have seen the term nigger writen less than half as much as gay, unless its like gaynigger fuck or some combination of the two.) they like write gay or fucking queer, faggot.
and when you read the words they are no longer hurtful really cause thats what you associate with yourself. instead because you are so fucking alone you think I WISH I KNEW WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT CAUSE I WOULDNT MIND FINDING ANOTHER FAGGOT LIKE Me ---seriously being gay is hardcore. cause everyone tells you that you choose to be this queer and that its your problem your a faggot.
that was grades 3-6 for that thinking. cause the mind has to go through Alot more abuse before you are ready to come out.
middle school was supposed to be prepairing for your future. but when you are so afraid of others seeing what you really are that you become this "straight person" that wouldnt so much as spare someone who is gay from verbal and physical abuse because they are disguisting. then everyone else pitches in ignoring them, spreading rumors, and just being disgusting because someone is different. so you constantly abuse people like you to gain respect and acceptance from those around you. when that happens and your will isnt yours you find out what the REAL you has and that is NOTHING. because you have never made a decision for yourself.. your straight alter ego has..

now you wrap yourself up with so much hate and prejudice that you not only hate-on gays to be accepted but everyone and everything different around you.

I wasnt very cruel for long though and i learned early from 6th grade to stop fucking with peoples heads.

So now when the time has come and you want to be you,you have to make a huge decision about what you would rather be

you can come out and say your gay, now you can do whatever you want because you are yourself again but Now you are labled Gay and have to deal with the prejudice of everyone one around you talking:infront and behind your back and now since people know what you are they use bigger more sophisticated was of calling you a faggot, such as cumguzzler *(its so fucked up I burst out laughing first time I heard that)* and no matter if its as subtle as stereotyping, innocent as saying something is gay( used as if it mean sucks * such as this place sucks, now its * this place is gay) or as fucked up as someone completely bashing you saying how they feel your existance is a curse and that im destined only for hell and a painful death from aids cause I cant keep it in my pants. or other people out. check this out and tell me what you think as this is just a joke from one place http://www.ubersite.com/m/91024 but this shit is everywhere in society.if you get fed up with all the assholes and wanna find people like you. they are FULL into drugs so now you get into that shit cause you want to be accepted and loved, and they are all just as messed up as you are.
its just so fucked up. and people wonder why someone would actually get plastic surgery to get their sexual organs removed. or why gay people are the way they are. their lifestyle is just so spontanious.
If people would accept gay people and not encourage them to be gay ( such as making the gay lifestyle seem so awesome and exciting *which is only cause if its not crazy and more unique and colorful than you its total hell!) , this movement going on today wouldnt be going on.

and if you decide not come out and you live in denial your whole life. thats a whole nother story but now not only is your life fake but everyone around you who knows you suddenly doesnt and are torn apart between the person they loved and this sterotype they know gay people as)


and now I know why the bible says man shall not lay in bed with another man because homosexuality brings nothing but sadness and pain, and after when you want to settle down and produce life you cant because you are gay and thats the way you are and you think what kind of person would I be to make a child go without their mother and be forced to live my life. unless of course you find gay life fun and appealing for your son or daughter...

( I want a son to teach to be tolerant of all people and watch him grow and become special because he wont have to see the world as a constricted cold world: but as a place for understanding and love. that no matter how angry or sad someone is that they will always have room in their lives for love, hope, and understanding once they stop doubting that other people are just like them. I dont want my son to be gay though or if he was I wouldnt want him living in the world we live in today.)

the only way I made it through that shit was asking myself so manyquestions and knowing their situations was I able to feel comfort in knowing as bad as a person others say I am. Im not the one who cant make the best of life, with all the bs and misguided hate around, because they are! im trying the best I to accept everyone and do the best I can and be the best, and they are still stuck on hate. I grasped a sense of maturity and by mastering it the best I could the happier I was.

ok im gonna stop writing cause When people get tired of reading of gay-pains (like growing pains but....gayer..ugh)
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