thank you

I had almost wrapped myself up so much in "how it would be possible for me to outreach my message and help the world" that it became some kind of scientific mystery and I was lookin for lab partners to help me figure it out...

I lost what I was dedicating myself to. I had done so much to just get off the track now. I moped around the house feeling foolish that I let myself and the message down. how could I be so selfish.
I stopped doing everything and put all my junk down sat down in at my desk and closed my eyes.
I prayed for god to help guide me again, that I was sorry for being so selfish and that I will do what needs to be done and will put my material comforts of food and leisure down and make use of the time that I have. I asked for forgiveness and that I truly meant it. I threw the junk food that I had been craving for months to the dog after unwrapping the whole portion and placing it on a plate for him.......(a Baja Chalupa, burrito suppreme and the, spicy chicken enchaladas,) I looked at the cinnamon twist longing to eat one..... but did not and threw them out.
*what are you doing?.......have you no faith?....you have made mistakes but thats what makes people human.......dont get up to work on another project......( I tried but was unable to get to what I wanted to start on being so tired from the night).....sit down and dont worry about what to do..... ask yourself why you started......why did you sacrifice your selfish desires for a life of dedication?....... was it really to be accepted as someone who knows as much as he tells?......or to be known as someone who knew as much as he taught?........ its not your mission make people aware by the sake of it can be proven with rules therefore it must be real.......you are to help spread the will of hope so that others may become aware to what is around them, that they may be happy, and that they can accomplish whatever they want... that there is no admission fee to destiny...that all man are created equall... and are all able be as much as they believe they can be......because no one is created for evil.....but man has ways to see life in cold, dark, and wrath..... it makes them feel Just for sining against one another...because doubt has plauged their soul and swayyed their minds.......
I was warmed by the reassurence that It really was just another day. that even though I had lost my way for one sec because it seemed easier to just lay in bed and sleep all day. I tried to gain forgiveness though because I knew that something had changed in my way of thinking and being the person I wanted to be. I took the lesson and said to myself that rome wasnt built in a day and that a close examination of my main goal would help keep my head on track... because actually Ive been right on schedule In how my lessons were learned before when I reflected my past, and the future ahead of me as I moved onto re-genisis and in to my second cycle.

I learned,
Life is not about getting happiness, its about finding it... because in the end the destination never really mattered. What mattered was the Journey
because God doesnt present us with good or bad situations, but simple presents it self to us and it is up to yourself to interpret and then react acordingly to what you believe to be true to yourself and to your beliefs.
It comes down to how you wish to contribute because its our decision how we chose to live our lives and how we effect the people around us. that could mean the difference of living as a positive influence making the lives better for everyone around them..
...or live on in the souls of people spreading misery and sadness to those around them.
I watched a movie the other day called Black & white. between the begining and middle of the movie they say something really amazing and important because I had been trying to find a way that I could show people that we are united and think alike and on that morning It was on and I took a chance on because I was already really busy searching for questions and answers but they say exactly what I needed to hear.


"Life is just fucking crazy, you could be living ain heaven and still be living in hell.
I be thinking, can you change who you are?
do you love the other more than you love yourself?
do you wish you were another way? If your black can you bleach? if your white can you dye?
Can you be ghetto without actually living in the ghetto?
Do you look in the mirror and see your face or do you close your eyes and dream?
what do you want?
Can you look within and embrace your soul or not? Can you change who you are?
You can look at me as long as you want but I'll always be me and you'll always be you."


When you begin to question yourself what you really want... not you but what you you really wants. what you find is profound and beautiful and you realize the scale of how life works and the true power that love is.






I have supplies now to document to full extent my progress through gaining knowledge before I head on the path to help our home.