thank you

I had almost wrapped myself up so much in "how it would be possible for me to outreach my message and help the world" that it became some kind of scientific mystery and I was lookin for lab partners to help me figure it out...

I lost what I was dedicating myself to. I had done so much to just get off the track now. I moped around the house feeling foolish that I let myself and the message down. how could I be so selfish.
I stopped doing everything and put all my junk down sat down in at my desk and closed my eyes.
I prayed for god to help guide me again, that I was sorry for being so selfish and that I will do what needs to be done and will put my material comforts of food and leisure down and make use of the time that I have. I asked for forgiveness and that I truly meant it. I threw the junk food that I had been craving for months to the dog after unwrapping the whole portion and placing it on a plate for him.......(a Baja Chalupa, burrito suppreme and the, spicy chicken enchaladas,) I looked at the cinnamon twist longing to eat one..... but did not and threw them out.
*what are you doing?.......have you no faith?....you have made mistakes but thats what makes people human.......dont get up to work on another project......( I tried but was unable to get to what I wanted to start on being so tired from the night).....sit down and dont worry about what to do..... ask yourself why you started......why did you sacrifice your selfish desires for a life of dedication?....... was it really to be accepted as someone who knows as much as he tells?......or to be known as someone who knew as much as he taught?........ its not your mission make people aware by the sake of it can be proven with rules therefore it must be real.......you are to help spread the will of hope so that others may become aware to what is around them, that they may be happy, and that they can accomplish whatever they want... that there is no admission fee to destiny...that all man are created equall... and are all able be as much as they believe they can be......because no one is created for evil.....but man has ways to see life in cold, dark, and wrath..... it makes them feel Just for sining against one another...because doubt has plauged their soul and swayyed their minds.......
I was warmed by the reassurence that It really was just another day. that even though I had lost my way for one sec because it seemed easier to just lay in bed and sleep all day. I tried to gain forgiveness though because I knew that something had changed in my way of thinking and being the person I wanted to be. I took the lesson and said to myself that rome wasnt built in a day and that a close examination of my main goal would help keep my head on track... because actually Ive been right on schedule In how my lessons were learned before when I reflected my past, and the future ahead of me as I moved onto re-genisis and in to my second cycle.

I learned,
Life is not about getting happiness, its about finding it... because in the end the destination never really mattered. What mattered was the Journey
because God doesnt present us with good or bad situations, but simple presents it self to us and it is up to yourself to interpret and then react acordingly to what you believe to be true to yourself and to your beliefs.
It comes down to how you wish to contribute because its our decision how we chose to live our lives and how we effect the people around us. that could mean the difference of living as a positive influence making the lives better for everyone around them..
...or live on in the souls of people spreading misery and sadness to those around them.
I watched a movie the other day called Black & white. between the begining and middle of the movie they say something really amazing and important because I had been trying to find a way that I could show people that we are united and think alike and on that morning It was on and I took a chance on because I was already really busy searching for questions and answers but they say exactly what I needed to hear.


"Life is just fucking crazy, you could be living ain heaven and still be living in hell.
I be thinking, can you change who you are?
do you love the other more than you love yourself?
do you wish you were another way? If your black can you bleach? if your white can you dye?
Can you be ghetto without actually living in the ghetto?
Do you look in the mirror and see your face or do you close your eyes and dream?
what do you want?
Can you look within and embrace your soul or not? Can you change who you are?
You can look at me as long as you want but I'll always be me and you'll always be you."


When you begin to question yourself what you really want... not you but what you you really wants. what you find is profound and beautiful and you realize the scale of how life works and the true power that love is.






I have supplies now to document to full extent my progress through gaining knowledge before I head on the path to help our home.

this is harder than I thought

I dont know what to do right now... I wish I had someone to talk to that would listen. I have so much to say......Im gonna contact a few agencies to see if they can help stir me in the right direction.
I am sad today but should be better after I get back on track.

hey I know you

well Ive taken my journals I wrote in the past day because someone is gonna blabber when they read the journals, or so my trusted source tells me... and so far it has not been wrong in the least way.
So.
Hi....
leave a comment.
I was told that someone related to today
was going to blab out about my research.
but I need help. Ive been figuring stuff out.
can you help me out by assistance or will you hinder me with closed minds.
its worth a shot.
I need a mentor.

well it happened. It sucks. I tried so hard to stop it from happening here that I was too short tempered with my mom who at the moment is the only way I can get around because I cant get a license. well she was just being a complete bitch but she sees my passion for this as being selfish because she cant spend everyday with her boys cause I need food and pens and other stuff.
I am sad but It was about time to end the relation with my mother.
now I myself must push past my safety zone and ask for people to pick me up and drive me around.
If I didnt have this mission I would have nothing but sad memories of the ones I loved.
but today is a new day! I must push to be heard! on the will of my own, with my mindset focused on helping others such as my mom who cant help them selfs be better people.
I will now post most of all my old journals

will upload camera with stuff going on

I have the past few weeks on recorder and video camera luckily so that I could track my progress because I knew my writing would take as long to read as it would to start over from the begining......

is anyone else seeing signs of what is going on?!

Im baffled... everything this year has been so ironic and it just seems so simple to put together all the pieces. I mean every channel I turn to between researching whats going, gives me help and input on my questions because every channel I turn to is able to further me along to new ideas and inspiration. The theme of subjects promoted on tv, even the news is a clear reflection of what the current astrological signs have predicted... Ive found the question but now Im looking for the answer, should I tell the question to men that cannot hear since they cannot comprehend lifes score?! But I have been told that I must tell it to man but how can I? if I can only pose with questions and not of answers?! for man is blind to what is infront of so how should I overcome......I dont want to intrude on some master plan and promote only one half of the whole truth and lead to misinterpretations. gosh its really a huge dilema and its almost gotten me back into a cycle again so ive been trying to work harder and putting everything behind me as I did during the week. what do I do? Im empowered by my ability to decifer the truth by my intuitivity, will and knowledge but if this is something known but left for interpretation from people who already know, what then? My birth times indicate exactly whats going on right now with me if you know your astrology, and if you look at my birth times you can see my dilema.Ive been working very hard to * crack the universal code in a way people can comprehend but it leads to implications that I dont like at all. at a block, not a mental block.but of me unable to to find the a medium betweet the parabols ......................what do I do. Ive put my past behind me and am looking ahead but im just at ends of what to do or say because I must do something If I am going to change any of this..