ive had enough... for now.

im making a perpetual motion generator that uses a gravitomagnetic energy field with a adjustable x-axis magnetic field modulator that can in theory increase the rotational speed of the generator with the center magnetosphere flux by adjusting the center axis magnetic field by altering the poles lenth and magnetic field strength.

basically there is a resonant field of gravitation that keeps it in motion. in the center there is a rod which lets the wheel remain frictionless, with the addition of another magnet that fluxes the generators magnetic field, you get a increase in speed as the gravitational cyclone is restricted to certain principles.

so Im at the hardware store and im putting the materials together in bags of bits.
I did not put a price on a bag and this woman that was spewing negative energy since I walked in came over. I wanted her to go away so when she asked if I was pricing everything I said yeah and jotted down a random number on the bag just so she would go away, I knew she was trouble and just wanted her to go away. well she walks around me and checks all my bags. we get into a arguement about me not putting the correct prices on. she says that I am being dishonest and the department works around a trust system. this pisses me off to a extreme degree because she did not trust me the moment I walked into the store. if it was bassed around trust she would count the bits and peices after I am done, as I asked her to go away and asked her if she was here to help or hinder me since she was checking all the prices. I could not think and was completely depleted of my intuition and focus on my project. I became fixated on this womens negativety and nit picking.
I said anything I could to get her to leave me alone but she would not because she said I was going to steal stuff and that this was her department and I couldnt make her. I got ugly after that and either said get the fuck away from me or stop being a bitch.
she told me to leave and got on the radio and called more management over. she said to them that I was stealing and I made more excuses. she started telling them about how she was not afraid of me and asked me if I was going to attack them. this guy came up and told me to just leave before the cops are called. (I have a intense stare when im angry and have cause many people to think that I am going to attack them) after she said that I called her a name they told me to leave and never come back.

after I left I came back because I had 2 products that I had put in my pocket in another department since they were to small to be placed in the basket.
I walked in and they got all pissey and when I said I wanted to appologize to them they told me to wait outside. she came out and I said sorry, she said nothing and walked back in. then I left

I did put in a few extra screws into one bag (only like 5 but still) and I completely regret it, along with my inhability to stand up for myself and act logically with illogical people that dont care about me.

I am A.D.D., bipolar, disorganized and insecure. I just wanted her to leave me alone so I could think. but all they saw was that I am violent, angry, vulgare, untrustworthy, shadowy, and a thief.
I have a large, tall, solid, figure. people genuinely fear me when Im angry but im harmless. I dont like to steal, fight, or be violent, but thats all people see of me.

its not fair, I Hate being the large scary man. Im completely harmless! why do I have to be correct all the time? everybody leans on me but who do I have! im alone in my mind and stature. im gentle, sensitive, loving, emotional, shy, but Im the first one seen in a crowd standing taller than the others and am seen only as the rock, uncaring, unemotional, violent and domineering. im only domineering cause I want to be the one dominated. this fucking sadist shit is driving me nuts. I want to be the small one with my backup being the big guy. !fuck!
when you are small you want to be big, and when you are big you want to be small.

im so tired of standing alone

is there not anyone that will love me?
where is this person, male or female. I just want someone who is strong, someone I can count on. im trying so hard to be the best person I can be for my future love. but it seems as though this person that I want does not exist.
I wanna be able to cry and be held without being seen as a crazy emotional weirdo.
I want someone to keep me in line, which I would because I love them and know that they are right. I want to do the same for them as well.

you could say that I me wanting to be held is my inhability to control myself and grow up as a man, but thats not it. Ive held myself up my whole life. ive always been alone and never been able to look up to anyone. the only ones Ive had were the greats in history.

it seems history has stopped producing such great people, but then theres me, the one who cant fit in.

I wish I could be someone else but I love who I am.
I want my love, Im tired of waiting for him.
I would not mind being in love with a women but I cant take the role of being the man anymore, its lost its appeal.

cant remember the pain

day after day passes and I feel the obligation of my duties to work, but I do not.
I try to think of that far off place in my mind not that long ago. where pain, sadness, agony,misery, etc controlled my motives.
I remember how I was, but I dont remember how I felt.
I search far inside of me for this empty place and all that is recovered is nothing.
but my pain was too deep, so deep that it cut the soul inside of me,
the pain a unseen dark surgeon, removing my dreams from me as if they were dehibilitating to my very life.
like the heart in my chest beating, but not to the beat of life but to survive. its beat like the gasping of a drowning baby tick- thock to my own everlasting sorrow of what, I would not be or see. because my life is not decided by me. I feel my heart gasping for life, pushing harder and harder, even while I sleep, because I cant just, no I must lay on my right side, or the force from the beat gets overpowering and my heart can take it no more and it spasms. missguided even from its own purpose. each extra pulse over and over again continuously, bursting my hope for the future me.
this undeniable knowledge that existence can cease to exist for me. like a dream.
But I dont wanna wake up, I wish be me, the things I feel inside of me too real to fathom properly, muttering unspoken words of untold sorrows that are seen so clearly when you look inside of me through the gaze of my eyes yearning for that which is to complete me.

but still I am who I am and I am proud to have been me and seen what I have seen, though others could look to me and try to know me but could not.
even though my life may not be the perfect dream its still more real to me that the pity you invest in me to raise me from my misery.
rape, pride, lust, homosexuality, inadequecy, yearning to learn and become so that I may be seen. all these feelings and more are comprised of me, yet I do not look for the release of my sorrows.
because
they fuel me.
my pain has become so deep that now the very inadequecy completes me and I am content with being alone, obsessing over the lives of others. feeling their pain to see if it will strike a chord in me, and it does but does not. for I feel sadness and aguish as you, but you will never feel as low as me. I feel serine in this place of distress, alone, content, alone in my own perception of reality.
control...

finally.

but I moved on from this place, I tried my best to become all I could be for this person that could be. so that they would fall in love with me without the emotional baggage of others past missdeads. I dont want what was depriving me to take from them.

armed with the knowledge of what made me, the mass in my brain turns eyes away from mine when I ask them what test reports say about me, like they think their inhability to talk straight and look at me will stop its enevitability.
my mind lossing its ability, my sight becoming a instability for things that I only now come to understand.. in this time of plight.
my search for stability of mind, words cease to come as words such as control, dehibilitating, friends, family. a spew of symbols from a time when I used to know what they mean but now all they do is confuse me and remove my thoughts of ability when I cease to say what is on my mind because they dont make sense.

but hey when you cant get anylower the only direction is back up.
for 3 months I let go of that part of me. for 1 month I lived in complete happiness.
now that that is over what do I have? for the depression drove me, and now that I let go of my past deads they no longer have control of me... I am left with a void of what was intended but not of what was me.
my memory of past deeds left me. I do not remember how I used to think. these new perceptions of happiness drain me as I work to be the leader that I never had for those that need a voice to say that they beleive in them. but I dont want to lead, I want to be with the leader, but there is not another out there that I can find that is above me in terms of what I was leading for. its what I want but not what I need. but even this is a paradox for me. do I lead and risk my life? or do I stop working for others and find my own happiness which might lead me to my death, I dont know how long my heart can last having sex. its my fear to die while having sex. not formyself, but for the person that would be there to see. the one to be responsible for killing his love while making it.
I can not do this to someone. so I remain alone, fixated on bringing their happiness to frutation. to be a pioneer in a new age of love, respect, unity, acceptance.

now I sit here. wondering what I work for. is this really for others or is this for myself?
I ponder my past unhappiness and cant find it and realize something bleak.

did this pain break me? was it so much that I took my pain and manifested it into a illusion of happiness?

I realize that this dark thing is still in control of me.
and this time, myself is my enemy, and there is nothing left.

a realization

I was talking to another energy worker and talking about moving energy and feeling everything and knowing . she said she visualized and asked if I could visualize because we saw things differently, mine was like echolocation that knew of all the imprints of something but not the picture of it, hers was seeing like a movie.

so we said to visualize my happy place...
something hit me in my throught and chest. I did not understand but had a feeling of horror
...
.
.
...
.

I did not have a happy place. nothing at all.
my happiness is with people and the love between us.
but I have nobody except the people that I loved enough to let go
I am without.