ive had enough... for now.

im making a perpetual motion generator that uses a gravitomagnetic energy field with a adjustable x-axis magnetic field modulator that can in theory increase the rotational speed of the generator with the center magnetosphere flux by adjusting the center axis magnetic field by altering the poles lenth and magnetic field strength.

basically there is a resonant field of gravitation that keeps it in motion. in the center there is a rod which lets the wheel remain frictionless, with the addition of another magnet that fluxes the generators magnetic field, you get a increase in speed as the gravitational cyclone is restricted to certain principles.

so Im at the hardware store and im putting the materials together in bags of bits.
I did not put a price on a bag and this woman that was spewing negative energy since I walked in came over. I wanted her to go away so when she asked if I was pricing everything I said yeah and jotted down a random number on the bag just so she would go away, I knew she was trouble and just wanted her to go away. well she walks around me and checks all my bags. we get into a arguement about me not putting the correct prices on. she says that I am being dishonest and the department works around a trust system. this pisses me off to a extreme degree because she did not trust me the moment I walked into the store. if it was bassed around trust she would count the bits and peices after I am done, as I asked her to go away and asked her if she was here to help or hinder me since she was checking all the prices. I could not think and was completely depleted of my intuition and focus on my project. I became fixated on this womens negativety and nit picking.
I said anything I could to get her to leave me alone but she would not because she said I was going to steal stuff and that this was her department and I couldnt make her. I got ugly after that and either said get the fuck away from me or stop being a bitch.
she told me to leave and got on the radio and called more management over. she said to them that I was stealing and I made more excuses. she started telling them about how she was not afraid of me and asked me if I was going to attack them. this guy came up and told me to just leave before the cops are called. (I have a intense stare when im angry and have cause many people to think that I am going to attack them) after she said that I called her a name they told me to leave and never come back.

after I left I came back because I had 2 products that I had put in my pocket in another department since they were to small to be placed in the basket.
I walked in and they got all pissey and when I said I wanted to appologize to them they told me to wait outside. she came out and I said sorry, she said nothing and walked back in. then I left

I did put in a few extra screws into one bag (only like 5 but still) and I completely regret it, along with my inhability to stand up for myself and act logically with illogical people that dont care about me.

I am A.D.D., bipolar, disorganized and insecure. I just wanted her to leave me alone so I could think. but all they saw was that I am violent, angry, vulgare, untrustworthy, shadowy, and a thief.
I have a large, tall, solid, figure. people genuinely fear me when Im angry but im harmless. I dont like to steal, fight, or be violent, but thats all people see of me.

its not fair, I Hate being the large scary man. Im completely harmless! why do I have to be correct all the time? everybody leans on me but who do I have! im alone in my mind and stature. im gentle, sensitive, loving, emotional, shy, but Im the first one seen in a crowd standing taller than the others and am seen only as the rock, uncaring, unemotional, violent and domineering. im only domineering cause I want to be the one dominated. this fucking sadist shit is driving me nuts. I want to be the small one with my backup being the big guy. !fuck!
when you are small you want to be big, and when you are big you want to be small.

im so tired of standing alone

is there not anyone that will love me?
where is this person, male or female. I just want someone who is strong, someone I can count on. im trying so hard to be the best person I can be for my future love. but it seems as though this person that I want does not exist.
I wanna be able to cry and be held without being seen as a crazy emotional weirdo.
I want someone to keep me in line, which I would because I love them and know that they are right. I want to do the same for them as well.

you could say that I me wanting to be held is my inhability to control myself and grow up as a man, but thats not it. Ive held myself up my whole life. ive always been alone and never been able to look up to anyone. the only ones Ive had were the greats in history.

it seems history has stopped producing such great people, but then theres me, the one who cant fit in.

I wish I could be someone else but I love who I am.
I want my love, Im tired of waiting for him.
I would not mind being in love with a women but I cant take the role of being the man anymore, its lost its appeal.