cant remember the pain

day after day passes and I feel the obligation of my duties to work, but I do not.
I try to think of that far off place in my mind not that long ago. where pain, sadness, agony,misery, etc controlled my motives.
I remember how I was, but I dont remember how I felt.
I search far inside of me for this empty place and all that is recovered is nothing.
but my pain was too deep, so deep that it cut the soul inside of me,
the pain a unseen dark surgeon, removing my dreams from me as if they were dehibilitating to my very life.
like the heart in my chest beating, but not to the beat of life but to survive. its beat like the gasping of a drowning baby tick- thock to my own everlasting sorrow of what, I would not be or see. because my life is not decided by me. I feel my heart gasping for life, pushing harder and harder, even while I sleep, because I cant just, no I must lay on my right side, or the force from the beat gets overpowering and my heart can take it no more and it spasms. missguided even from its own purpose. each extra pulse over and over again continuously, bursting my hope for the future me.
this undeniable knowledge that existence can cease to exist for me. like a dream.
But I dont wanna wake up, I wish be me, the things I feel inside of me too real to fathom properly, muttering unspoken words of untold sorrows that are seen so clearly when you look inside of me through the gaze of my eyes yearning for that which is to complete me.

but still I am who I am and I am proud to have been me and seen what I have seen, though others could look to me and try to know me but could not.
even though my life may not be the perfect dream its still more real to me that the pity you invest in me to raise me from my misery.
rape, pride, lust, homosexuality, inadequecy, yearning to learn and become so that I may be seen. all these feelings and more are comprised of me, yet I do not look for the release of my sorrows.
because
they fuel me.
my pain has become so deep that now the very inadequecy completes me and I am content with being alone, obsessing over the lives of others. feeling their pain to see if it will strike a chord in me, and it does but does not. for I feel sadness and aguish as you, but you will never feel as low as me. I feel serine in this place of distress, alone, content, alone in my own perception of reality.
control...

finally.

but I moved on from this place, I tried my best to become all I could be for this person that could be. so that they would fall in love with me without the emotional baggage of others past missdeads. I dont want what was depriving me to take from them.

armed with the knowledge of what made me, the mass in my brain turns eyes away from mine when I ask them what test reports say about me, like they think their inhability to talk straight and look at me will stop its enevitability.
my mind lossing its ability, my sight becoming a instability for things that I only now come to understand.. in this time of plight.
my search for stability of mind, words cease to come as words such as control, dehibilitating, friends, family. a spew of symbols from a time when I used to know what they mean but now all they do is confuse me and remove my thoughts of ability when I cease to say what is on my mind because they dont make sense.

but hey when you cant get anylower the only direction is back up.
for 3 months I let go of that part of me. for 1 month I lived in complete happiness.
now that that is over what do I have? for the depression drove me, and now that I let go of my past deads they no longer have control of me... I am left with a void of what was intended but not of what was me.
my memory of past deeds left me. I do not remember how I used to think. these new perceptions of happiness drain me as I work to be the leader that I never had for those that need a voice to say that they beleive in them. but I dont want to lead, I want to be with the leader, but there is not another out there that I can find that is above me in terms of what I was leading for. its what I want but not what I need. but even this is a paradox for me. do I lead and risk my life? or do I stop working for others and find my own happiness which might lead me to my death, I dont know how long my heart can last having sex. its my fear to die while having sex. not formyself, but for the person that would be there to see. the one to be responsible for killing his love while making it.
I can not do this to someone. so I remain alone, fixated on bringing their happiness to frutation. to be a pioneer in a new age of love, respect, unity, acceptance.

now I sit here. wondering what I work for. is this really for others or is this for myself?
I ponder my past unhappiness and cant find it and realize something bleak.

did this pain break me? was it so much that I took my pain and manifested it into a illusion of happiness?

I realize that this dark thing is still in control of me.
and this time, myself is my enemy, and there is nothing left.