so yesterday my head was telling me not to go to this other thrift store. that I was wasting my time. but i knew I needed something from there. I found everything I needed. but my head was telling me I was wasting time and that I needed to get home.
well I thought to myself, I wont dilly daddle and I will get home on time. well 30 min later I had a box full of stuff. but when I tried to buy it they would not accept my credit card. I had to wait another 15 min but they still wouldnt take it so I left empty handed. I began to question the will in my head that drives me to other thoughts after watching the movie a beautiful mind. he is just like me but I dont see people. its sad how long it took him to learn how to master his new found knowledge. he was tapping into the wavelengths of the universe. god. its very hard to believe anything when you base your knowledge and self on the omnipresent voice that guides you. the world anchors you down but your thoughts tear you apart. you become unstable. but if you achknoledge the sighns but find proof with real world anchors and be humble but still be able to crack the wip and stop the voices when you command. its really fucking challenging. thats what ive been going through the past few days. the feelings that I get guide me completely to answers that I would have not found if I only followed my own physical will.

when you see that its right its hard to elimintate them and work on your own. you become addicted like a drug. you lose faith in yourself and you turn to them but you must believe that everything happens for a purpose and if so you can make any desicion without hesitation because you know thats how it was supposed to be and you free yourself and the will that used to guide you becomes you but you push it away while still keeping the notions that it carrys.
dissobay them with logic and reasoning and say I have to live my own life sorry give me time to recooperate.

Ive been able to block them off whenever I want to but they usually get out everything that should be said in less than .25 sec. its like the thoughts behind your thoughts when you think of what you are thinking about and what to say and why and what others think. but then you go and actually SAY in your native language what you are thinking and saying. its complicated. its listening to the subcouncious thoughts behind all thoughts.

so even when I cut them off I still get a hint of what they say. I can block out the meaning but once it comes to materialize I remember everything.


the gift of knowledge god gives is not meant for the uneducated masses. it will tear your soul apart unless you master it.

I wish I could talk to that guy in the movie. we would have such a fascinating conversation.

the paradoxical life I see now is beautiful, mystifying, dangerous, confusing, twisted, cold, loving, caring, forgiving, eternal, free, unchanging,
I thought I knew it all but now Im so far down the rabbit hole I cant get out without tearing soul apart. the part of me that has been reborn is going down the rabbit hole but with every step down I regret the surface and the bliss of unknowing and part of me trys to climb back up. but the other climbs down and I become stretched and incomplete.