brutal assault of knowledge part 1

what a week. I seem to be saying this every time one ends...
my brain is mush right now. but the thing is that my sense have increased by atleast 2.5x I dont wanna say 3 but its very close.
I was so physically and mental exhausted from a very spiritual and... tragic day.. any ways back to how the day went later mabye..
I did not eat for 2 days. I wanted to have a real meal but couldnt muster up the will to clean,cook, and prepare. ( I take my food seriously, if I eat fatty foods my senses go out and I cant think correctly and I get stinging feelings on my skin and my allergies act up, I can only eat fresh food but I am opposed to killing animals for food that people now take for granted so I try to honor my food, I think about where it came from and what it took for it to come from the wild to my selection and the thought of where it could be if I had not of picked it up for myself. or if I had taken another.
but the fact still that with all the history that it took to create the food on my plate would it be fair for me to just throw it in the microwave or with some ramen and prepair it without thought to its life. for me to discard its history because it is just food and it is something that people have to eat to live. but you dont have to eat. you could starve yourself. but you dont because your life is more important that where the food came from. so to people food and a person are uncompairable. but they are not they are one and the same and to view yourself as above that is ignorant and wrong and a crime for total disregard for life. this is just one part I also imagine the history that led to how the food was created, how the business came into existance, how the person was motivated to make the business and how the meaning of distributing food has changed with the way the world economy has changed the world. how I feel sorry that their life was taken and that mabye if I hadnt choosen this particular piece of food out of the many that it might have been discarded because it was past its experation date. how its life isnt seen as a life but mearely food. its sick and cruel and I feel privaledge and humble to take part of its flesh. that It may live on in me, that it may fuel my body and heighten my senses. that its life was ended cruely but not vainfully because my life is not to be lived in vain because I will succeed in my misison and that with its unwilling sacrifice it will help me stop the same cruelty to happening to others.
yeah thats how my mind works. every single action judged, everything exist with meaning,there are no coincedences, I have to investigate all of it. )

but I was willed to get up and clean and to spend the day making my food and to not worry of any spiritual work or work at all. so I cooked and I did would not eat anything until I had finished. but I was starving and I couldnt think straight. I was weak from the huge loss of energy the day before. so I got out some strawberrys that I just bought. the strawberry inside was as big as my fist closed up tightly. the biggest one Ive ever seen. I might take a picture. its that big. hahah anyways I didnt want to spoil my appitite because my innervoice said to not eat and be glutunous. but I insisted that I needed the strength to eat and I grabbed the smallest one but was perfect.
I took one bite.

its flavor exploded into all my sensations, the texture of it. its temperature and density. perfect!
sweet beyond belief. the sweetness spread from my mouth through my body. I could feel the flavor in my fingers, toes, back, noise, skin, back, it was a total body sensation. time seemed to slow down. it was the most delicious fruit I have ever had in my life. no bs.

it tickled the back of my hair, inside my brain, it tensed up my nose and I felt almost like I could sneeze.

I was in total disbelief.
( I philosophised how it tasted so sweet but was in such a small portion when I was so hungery but I did not want to eat anymore because I wanted the same sensation when I ate the food that I was prepairing.)


I love all the simple things. they seem so insignifigant but there is so much going on.