despair

I try..
and I try..

I try...

I try again...

I am having the time of my life...
I am finally able to chose my way to achieve my destiny...


decifering all day and all night... year after year in constant thought... every day was like the same day and time didnt matter....but these last 2 months..I have not been able to wake up in a blissful state at all. everytime I sleep and everytime I wake the problem I was on before I fell asleep immediately plagues my thoughts.. even If I wake to go use the restroom.

when I am asleep I have dreams with amazing symbology and detail. I feel as if I am living another life. but a month can go on in these lifes and I am fully awake to my thoughts.
I feel, I breath, I touch, I see faces and other peoples lives...its so real I can wake up and be in tears because I failed to do what I said I would for them.
what horror.. this beauty that is so intense that I mistake it for reality and through the day I am in a veil of blue and imagination at what I must become..

its amazing... for 8 years of my life I never had dreams, I would simply be in blissfull,empty,cold, blackness..time passed on and on..

now there is no such thing as rest...


When I wake with the thought of what I went to sleep on, I remember that I must get up and master everything. because If I do not, evil will ruin the world... since I wont be there to bring good and inspire others with my message of hope to stop the evil atrocities that are manifesting now.


I was so naive before when I first learned that I would be set on a mission.
Sure.... I said with all my heart.
sure I will dedicate my life to you god and that I will take the pain of the world for myself so that I may rid it of evil.
that I would be an example to all mankind to do good through my self sacrifice and dedication to a belief that would mean everyone else would be joyful and prosperous while I would have nothing but god and my own will....


despair....... and because of it joy.....
...such madness is this vicious thing... unconditional love..
I feel such otherworldy joy having father offer me such a burden....
..I can see him and feel his presence everywhere I look, for he constantly helps me. through thought, signs, advice and sorrow (which I make for myself and he corrects).





But somedays I wish to just lay in bed all day and not have to worry about anything, but I feel they sorrow and sadness of those that I will fail if I do so.... there is no joy in what I used to love... only lessons...

alas I must give up what I held most dear at the time I accepted the task.
I must give up My life, my ways, my customs...

I am not the kid who was to grow up being a cook, smoking pot and going where I pleased until I found a partner who would do the same with me or keep me in place..

no.. not anymore.

I am the the will of god. I must inspire the world through my dedication.
I must dedicate my life to god and his purpose. I must show that no matter what I can do anything. so that others know that they can do anything.
I must spread joy and love, and never sway.
never to hate or spread wrath and anger.
because if I am to sin then how can I inspire others to not?

If I dont complete my goal or if I get lazy on the way and want to be myself... I know that not only will I Dissapoint GOD (who is everything and everyone that has made it to heaven) but I will get to watch mankind suffer because I did not act, and not just suffer. but be snuffed out.

such pain..
its either my life or the world.
equivalent exchange...
I asked for this power.
for the oppertunity to be someone amazing

I know that I will die on this path also.
I even know how and why.
but yet I must train to be so amazing that when I die others will be motivated to become like me

Ive thought about what jesus or all these heros in the great fables, what they must have thought when they saw they had the oppertunity to be something good for their people through not pursuing their own goals.

when god told jesus when he was a boy that he was to be the messiah for all people. but that he would have to die because of the wrath of the people he was trying to save... but that it must be and that he would be rewarded for the sacrifice of his life.

as a kid I was amazed at their courage and said ehhh I could do it mabye... I would relive the days that they did in my mind and I went through the decisions. the aspect of such legacy was so glorious and amazing to me that I wanted a journey like it.



now that I have been on one . its way more amazing than anything you could read in a book because actually experiancing it is just too amazing for words and when you finally realize what you must do you are faced with so many questions and paths that each give you such different destineys that you fear that you might pick the wrong path and be ignorant of how to approach the task in reality....
every descision is my own but I get to make none for myself...

the reality is the task but my personal life is another.... and there can only be one reality or else your plan gets distorted and lost between the two never to be its own.... because my personal happiness and the mission where so vastly different that
happiness, benifit, assurence, self love, in my goal would mean sadness, loss, doubt, and self loath to my personal life.

its hard cause not even my mind is my own...but it belongs to him so when I think wrong I know he knows and I am ashamed at myself and disgusted my weakness. but he is kind, understandable,loveing, and knows who I am as well as everyone thing else. he knows it is just my nature and tells me that I can think whatever I wish but until I let go of such thoughts I will never be able to obtain the status that I desire. I must let go of my desires and comforts of life, in order to be one with god.
I felt the feeling before when I first learned the truth and everyday I took on the challenge without doubt in my mind. The feeling was amazing. I could achieve anything because I feared no challenge .... nothing was more important or even close to the mission that I had been set with.

but then feeling so empowered I lost control...

then I lost my way....
I didnt know If it was my own temptations or guidence from god that was guiding me on what to do. I couldnt even trust myself...
madness...
and despair... as I was supposed to do this mission on my own that I must carry the burden until I meet others that I know are connected to this...

but now I am getting back on track. I know what I must do and im doing it. without thought knowing that I can and must. but its hard but my holy spirit is getting louder and is easier to hear.

I feel good right now. Im in a blissfull state of thought.. I was sad before...
I wish I had someone else to be with me on the journey but thats ok Ive still got time